random

Somethings are not ment to be, and we pursue them till we miss other things in life that we could have achived and maybe we would have been living some different life. The things we run after sooner or later run away from us.

follow me now to a past filled with emptyness and a present empty of fulfillments.

We at times get the things we wanted, yet when we have them in hand we find out that it has lost the meaning for which we wanted it in the first place. That now our priorities have changed or there is no one standing next to me whom i wanted to show this thing at a given time.

follow me now to a heart devoid of feelings and of feelings gone numb.

We make so many plans for a future we wish for, so confident so proud of our achivements so sure of our plans. Yet the road we walk at times vanish from beneath our feet and we fall, we fall.

follow me now to a place built on sorrow yet a place of no regrets

I have no regrets, i would never sit and wonder what if.. and i would do all this again if given a chance, ALL again

life

and it was just 3 days that i had burried my grandfather that i found myself again standing at an open grave and throwing shovels down to seperate another loved one from us forever

My Phuppi passed away on 25th, Jan 2007, May Allah bless her soul

she had sugar and heart problems and what not, atleast now her suffering is over, This is what she asked everyone to pray for "Pray that Allah ends my suffering" , and Allah listened to that pray.


Phuppo everyone misses you already

another loss

my grandfather passed away on 21st Januray 2007.

I could still feel his faint pulse as i held his hand, while others were trying to revive him, and then all of a sudden there was no pulse, his hand was still warm within mine when i had to make the first call to inform others of the loss.

Its never easy calling up someone and telling them what has happened, especially when its your mother or aunt miles away and you have to inform them that their father has left us for ever,

and then past 2 days have been a blur, so many ppl in the house, chaos, ppl crying and then the funeral itself , the time when you have to lay them in the grave and then they close it up and you just stand there and feel how utterly helpless a human being is.

After returning from the gravyard , i went to his empty room, and just sat there, and my eldest khala came and asked , "chorr aye" , and thats when i lost it, and i cried and i cried i dont know for how long ...

i will miss him, everyday when i go downstairs to leave for office , i will pass by his now empty room, everynight when i will come back, there wont be anyone still awake in his bed waiting for me to return, no one will call me to ask me where i was and when i would be coming back if i ever ran late at nights.

oh i will miss him.... i will

alone am i

alone am i ? know no
on memories my life now grow
on the same road i still remain
this path was mine now feels strange
which never fades so black is this night
somewhere on the way i lost my sight
a destination was something i never had
this journey i took for that im glad
i was complete if but for a while
a million lives for her just one smile
alone am i? no no

embrace me says the dark

Looking down he could see the darkness laughing as it tore away the last remains of ligth, the dying screams of brightness died silently unheard but by his ears. and the night prevailed plunging the world in a darkness which matched his heart

Looking down he could see them smiling , laughing , and he cried , tears rolled down from his eyes , eyes which no longer had any hope , a face that no longer had a smile, looking at the ignorance he cried.

Perhaps he too was ignorant once , perhaps he too once laughed , perhaprs he too once danced and sang , perhaps , perhaps he too was Once Alive.

all around him shadows spoke ,whispering in his ears , as they always have as they always do as they always will

see me , hold me , feel me , embrace me

choking him , engulfing him , holding him

embrace me , says the dark

akaila

Ayear ago i was just humming some tune and i gave words to it and then in next 15 mins i wrote something which resembled a poem, my very first poem, which was in urdu, i named it "Alaika" for obvious reason, then from there i went ahead and tried to write a poem in english, just to see if i can or cannot , and the end result was a poem i named "lost".

looking back today, what strikes me as odd is that when i wrote those poems, almost a year back, i could not relate to any of the words , there was sadness and depression and pain in those poems, even though i had not felt that way then, and now these seems to express what i feel at this point in time ...maybe my mind on some level predicted and expressed , trying to warn me in vain,

i should soo totaly work on my pshycic powers :P , anyway here is akaila

Akaila......
-------------------------------
Akailaa hoon main ajj phir
sunn lay tu o bekhabir
Adhoori hai yeh saher
phir suna hai yeh shaher

sun ley phir woh dastaan
gum gaya jis main mera jahan

kho gaie woh kehkashan
mit gaya phir tera nishaan

tanhaan hai jism phir
sunn lay tu o bekhabir
tujh ko dhoonday phir meri nazar
meri sansaain hai muntazir

sun ley phir woh dastaan
gum gaya jis main mera jahan

kho gaie woh kehkashan
mit gaya phir tera nishaan

Akailaa hoon main ajj phir
sunn laay tu o bekhabir

Akailaa hoon main ajj phir

Akailaa hoon main ajj phir

Akailaa hoon

mad world

All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places,
Worn out faces,

Bright and early for the daily races,
Going nowhere,
Going nowhere,
Their tears are filling up their glasses,
No expression,
No expression,

Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow,
No tomorrow,

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had,


been listening to this song over and over lately, these lyrics just struck such a cord to me , the music is slow and soft , unlike my usual genre

i seem to be hooked on this line, the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever had, somehow it screams out to me , defining me , telling me , surrounding me

to take a path down a road that you have has no destination , yet you walk , walk for the walk , walk for the company you have for time being , you walk blind , oblivious that the path ended somewhere you want to walk on air and fall

time to find the scattered pieces and gather myself

smile

There is a sadness in my smile, which only she could see. Only her eyes could tell that im crying when others believed i was laughing. Somewhere someone decided my eyes dont have enough water and had the clouds do the shedding. Its as if i was again standing in front of her grave, looking down as the dirt was being thrown in on top of her coffin, seperating us more. That feeling of loss, after all these years, it never leaves me. Sometimes i wonder how different my life would have been if i had her with me still. I close my eyes and she whispers in my ear. Her laughter still rings in the emptiness of my life, so long ago it used to light up my day. Its as if im again holding her hands while walking down that road, when i first asked her to walk with me. I look back and i can see our foot prints behind us, never erased even after all these years.

Looking back, is when i smile and there is a sadnesss in my smile...............

empty

the room lit for a fraction of a second, thunder followed and then the silence resumed.
darkness matched those open eyes, eyes that had shone with lightining just a momnent ago , yet eyes that were void of any life. it began to rain, soft caresses of water on the leaves, soft as her lips were once, warm and now cold. tears rolled down my eyes as leaves in autum
lighting once again illuminated her, burning the image in my memory forever. her blood covered her like embrace of a mother, gun slid down my fingers crashing to the floor

screaming inside, in silence i walked away

a blog

a blog without any posts .. remains a blog,

theory says that , and i support the theory.