headache

i dont want to think
and im not sleepy
i have enough sleepless night already
i am not sleepy but im tired as hell
my head hurts but i can lay it down to sleep
im enduring it
as long as i can
then eventualy i would give in
when my headache exceeds
i would have no choice but to put myself to peace
i would take the medicine
and would sedate myself
as ive done in the past
as i will do again
and again
and yet my headache is still present
faint and unhurtining
but i can feel it throbing
i have no recollection where my head is , but i feel it killing me
not killing
torturing
but its a welcome state
for even then i cant find peace in sleep as my head hurts
with every sound of the seconds the wall clock makes
im aware of hours of hurt inside those seconds
and its starting to hurt like that
its just the begining
it will increase
when my head is heavy to hold up straight
and i cant let it hang cause it too hurting
and i cant lay it straaight on the bed or the floor
because it just wont rest
i find a position of rest for a while
i dont know if those are minutes or seconds
but they are good,
they help me fight it
but in the end i always give in
sooner or later
the longest i resisted it was 6 months
6 whole months my head hurted
each day , each night
i sleep for an hour or 2
then i wake up, pick my headup with my hands
and find another position that hurts less
in which there is only throbbing
i like that throbbing
it feels like im healing inside
i somehow like to think that those little pulses i get in my wounds and when my head hurts
is when my body is healing
so i like that throbbing
if i concentrate on those , it actualy does start to get better
with each pulse , i get more in peace
be it a wound or a headache