martyr

so ive been not blogging lately, have been very busy, and somehow dettached from my surroundings , i mean im participating in things and working and all that but somehow my mind aint there, im drifting somewhere deep in myself.
normaly i dont take tension of work, im known as the most cool minded person in office , no ones sees me aggravated on any work related issue but these past 3 weeks specially ive been very tense, even admitting it to myself is hard. im so mentally screwed and then office politics against me , its finanzial year and and i am suupsoe to get a raise, somehow my work is being demeaned, not being paranoid , and like to top it off things have been going horribly bad as well, things on which i dont have any control, and somethings i didnt pay much attention in the past have now come back to haunt me cause the person who i thought would do it didnt do it , but since its my responsibility, thus im the one who is screwed.
the last annual leave i took was in 2004, whole of 2005 and 2006 i did not get time to take off, being a project manager for the first time and trying to prove a point to others in company who raised their eyebrows when i was appointed, perhaps i was the youngest in this organization to get to be a project manager of such a high visibility project, a project that was the first in the world of its kind,
anyway, so holidays, on top of my own work i am to handle additional load as the guy who was doing the program managers tasts is on leave, sine the program manager has no clue what so ever how to run things, that part too i have to take care of for the next 3 weeks more. And thus for another 3 weeks i cannot take a leave or wont get one
and when i started this post i thought i would just write a few lines and then close it off and get some sleep, or try atleast, cause apparently that is another thingy that i am not getting much lately, each night i literally say this " wtf its 3am again " . guess i would say that in like 20 mins time from now .
taday was a good day, after such a long time i have been mentally relased for some reason, i dont know the reason cause there is nothingy wrong between yesterday and today, or any previous day in the last 3 weeks, same work load, same issues, same no help from someone who can help but wont for some reason, all is the same yet i am relaxed today
i will cutt of this post here, otherwise it would go on and on and on ...
im soon gonna be wasted in the line of duty

blah blah

blah blah blah , blha dah blahbe de dah.

so like thats what i hear right now and feel like saying when someone ask me somethingy. like i feel like just throwing a fit and scream and pull my hair and bite someone.
this brings me back to my first semester, like there was a mid term of calculus and i kinda flunked in it , not to mention all of the others did as well, but like they already knew they were screwed when they gave the paper, and i came out smilling and saying yea it was good , so turns out i didnt answer the questions , theorems word by word as the teacher wrote to us , but i kinda used my own words to describe the logic required and i scored even lower than those who were sad after the paper lamenting than they screwed up. so like anyway, here i am in the class holding my paper in my hand with a big 0 where i was expecting somethingy like 19 out of 20, and im wondering wtf (what the for did i study ), so then im still sitting in the class after everyones gone out and after a few mins there are these 2 girls sitting there and like talking to each other with their heads glued together and like i waited for a few more mins for them to break up and go out , after few mins i find myself again sitting there in the back of the room those girls i think were on 2nd or 4rd row from the front , and i like ask them, " like when are you planning to leave " and they ask me "err , why" , i " well i wanna scream on top of my lungs" , they "oh" , "we dont mind go ahead" , "are you sure" , they "ah yea", me "ok here goes" and then i screamed , as loud as i could as long as i could , just letting it all out , im sure they were holding their hands on their ears by the time i was done and giggling like some some dumb blonds when i walked out.

so this brings me back to now and now, i feel like doing the same thingy, but instead i find myself sitting in a meeting where i cant even hysterically pulll my hair and jump around the room like a kangroo and drop kick someone

so its nearing 10 pm now my mind has refused to respond to blah de blah blah blah blah blah, blah dah dum, laba h blaha baga bo ga

stone

standing in the window looking down below on the city, a city of stone, empty and hard , unyeilding and ressilient. He has been walking down its street ever since he can remember, some times there would be storms and rain would splash all around , droplets hitting stone all around, so within this city, there is nothing made of anything but stone. sometimes he thinks that if there were other people living in this city, they would be made of stone as well, with stone hearts not flesh and blood. Sometimes he would go walk out of the stone into the clifs that looked out and below into the vast sea, he had never touched the sea, just seen how vast it was, he had seen the bird which lived on the sea, flying in distant sky that cicles the sea and lived on the air current, sometimes they circled the cliff he stood on, white a contrast to the grey sky.

In his city of stone, the sky was forever grey, always the sun shone from behind a layer of clouds. It rained in his city of stone, seldom stopping, only as if to catch its breath, now fast then slow.

Mist ruled in this city of stone , obscuring vision to anything beyond a few feet, like a veil. Limiting sight to now and here, he never did worry about what lay beyond, he never did wonder what might come.

There was no warmth in his city of stone, only cold stone,

This city of stone , he called his heart

cycle

another night, another restless sleep. the continuous sound of clock ticking seconds away is the only sound apart from the sound of breathing till day break, slowly very slowly the darkness fades and light creeps in through the curtains on the windows. mind aware of the gradual change in temprature, coolness of night passing over to warmth of the day.

another day, another directionless path, walking in crowds of strangers bearing familiar faces, performing pointless tasks. watching events unfolding in slow motion all around, watching as if done by someone else, in another's life , in another time. dusk arrives and goes unnoticed, light outside the window is replaced with darkness.

tonight is another night, tomorrow is another day

-

on 31st May 2007 another shade on us all left us, another one who used to give unconditional love and prayers to us all , Phuppi Amma we will miss you