Amen

May God have mercy on our country........

nothing as it seems

inutile tidingses

and they didnt let me sleep in peace all night long, somehow i dropped early to sleep, around 2am, and then the noises started , people talking in the lobby people talking in the corridor , then someone started arguing in the kitchen. around 5am someone in the porch decided to start up the cold car and kept on trying . then the morning breakfast hustle and then 9am my wake up call.

Day before last night, the guy in the room opp mine thought he should start chatting with the night duty person in the lobby. and then he started complaining the radiator in his room was not warm enough. Then he decided to have a breakfast early and gave the order at 3am what he would like at 6. And then in the morning a driver decided to thump his mats clean right outside my window.

Im cursing myself for moving to this room from the basement of the guesthouse. I was better off downstairs where the air was stuffy and had a distinct smell of basements , at least i was able to sleep properly the night.


so today i refused to wake up and said i will sleep in late. sent a message that i wont be able to make it for the meeting and slept , or rather tried to sleep. and then the construction work started, hammering on the room above me, i thought after breakfast there would be a bit quiet in the kitchen but instead it got busier,

on the other hand my search for a place to rent is not going well either, either its too darned expensive or its very bad condition or both at the same time. One place i like is gonna cost me huge, then i think is it worth paying that much or should i just take any place and try to cope, my parents got a shock that i was thinking of paying 40k per month for the place, but since that time every other place i have seen just does not seem to meet even the minimum acceptance criteria i have in my mind.

on yet another front , i have run out of places to eat, there are hardly 5 places worth eating in whole of islamabad, few good dishes, and deserted places. i think no one dines out here in islamabad on weekdays , im not here on weekends to know.

i wanna run away, back to lahore

time ?

i guess its time to move on. ive been contemplating about changing my job the past few days ,

my 6th year in the same job , never before i have seriously thought about moving because i liked it here, had a good team to support me , was doing new things , getting progress, but now i feel i am being taken for granted. I have decided , no more compromise

It cloudy right now outside , with small drizzle now and then, heaters are on, i like this weather..

its time to move on ...

7 weird facts

Tagged by Fatimah,

so here are 7 weird facts about mE

1- I love swimming, but large still water bodies scare me ( Lakes, sea , dead sea was also scary)
2- I can eat potato in all other forms but not in Curry ( Salan. )
3- I cannot sleep till i see its 3am. Till then i might try to lay in bed and close my eyes but i wont be able to sleep.
4- I usually sneak in/out of the house. Most of the time other ppl in the house dont know im home, up in my room. One time i spent 7 days in my room sneaking out to get stuff to eat. No one from my home saw me all that time. This phase comes every now and then.
5- I want absolute dark in my room at day time when i sleep in late. Sometimes when i sleep in the morning time , around 6 or 7am , i go to extreme pains to ensure lights does not come in by putting all kinda of sheets , clothes in every crack on doors and windows.
6- I buy things at a whim, gadets mostly. I am usually the first to buy and first to break. If i like somethingy, sooner or later im going to buy it.
7- I have to read before sleeping, there has to be a book with me where ever i go, otherwise i keep ebooks on my laptop or my phone. Even if i read 2 pages before putting it down.

So this being an old tag im not sure who has done it. so Tag everyone on the blogroll who have not done this yet

wings that get mE high

There was a time when my first helicopter stopped working , everythingy was fine but the battery was finished , so i decided instead getting the new battery i would go and buy a new one. Cause this one had a bit of a unsteady flight and i had seen another model which had two sets of wings and much much stable flight ad a better controller. Thus i shelved the old yellow bug and went in to buy the new one .

Sadly, on the very first flight of the new one, it went out of the reach of the controller and crashed some 3 houses down the lane, at night , i believe it was 11pm. Should have waited for day to coem to try the new one but i was kinda too eager to try it. So by the time i arrived to that house i could hear the helicopter making noise, i had cut the power off from my side so it should not have been on but i could hear its motor screaming. anyway managed to get it back but the internal wiring had come out from some places and some soldering was undone. As i was leaving early morning i put it away for then.

Coming home this weekend , i decided yesterday to try and fix the thingy. The soldering Gun was out of commission and thus i took it to a guy who would solder the wires for me. During the soldering we found out tht the internal chipboard had burned . Anyway i brought it back home put in the battery and tried it. On the tail chopper was working , the two main choppers on the top didnt move at all, That was a sad event. But i decided to kinda to mix and match. Took out the other one and swapped the boards and the controllers.

Now i have managed to make the two wings dude work on the board of the single wing one. When i tried taking it out for a test flight it didnt leave the ground just rotated the wings. Perhaps the battery was low.

So now the battery is being charged. Once that done lets see if this thingy works or not.

Update : Sadly it didnt work, seems another one needs to be bought now. My parents are soo not gonna like it

tell yourself

youll be the death of me

the one about tag

1.Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it?
The biggest is have is on my left arm, bicep rather. there are two, left overs from the time i had a full body burn by hot water. I was 4 years old, Ammi had placed a hot boiling water thermos on the top of the cabinet, i was swinging on the cabinet that it toppled and i was burned head to toe. I remember the time clearly though thankfully not the sensation. Next week was spend in the hospital with me covered in sticky cold bandages kinda thingies. Rest all are gone, this one i must have scratched later on

2. What does your phone look like?
like a phone.

3.What is on the walls of your bedroom?

paint.

4. What is your current desktop picture?

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?
no

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
peace

7. What time were you born?
9:30, on 27th Shab of Ramzan. I am such a blessing on the world

8. Last person who made you cry?
When i came home after burying my Nana.

9. What is your favorite perfume/cologne? perfume?
Issey Miyake

10. What kind of hair/eye color do you like in the opposite sex?
Purple

11. What are you listening to?
Passive by A Perfect Circle

12. Do you get scared of the dark?
I have a constant fear that someones always there, fear of the dark, fear of the daaaark i have a phobia that somethings always there.............. Iron Maiden

not of the dark, no,

13. Do you like pain killers?
i guess they would be better than pain birthers, i can say i like em

14. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
out where ?

15. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
i should have answered that question before lunch. But double scoop of blueberry icecream would be nice right now.

16. Who was the last person you made mad?
that would be the girl at the counter which was closed and written in arabic. WHen i walked up to her she shouted a few thingies in arabic and wnt back to reading her mag then i told her "err what? i dont knwo arabic". Interesting how complexion goes from white to pink in a sec.

17. Is anyone in love with you?
im a loveable person :D

I tag Hemlock , Falsa


and i tag thee who comments

long week

so after a long tiring week i would be reaching home finally. Just another 9 hours of travelling left, its 11pm here in Dubai , will be 4am when i get onboard it was 4pm on 9th Nov when i boarded the previous flight in Amman. It will be 9am when i will be standing in migration cue at Lahore on 10th Nov.

And what a tiring week it was , ironically it was spent on a resort , the Movenpick Dead Sea resort , ironic because it was spent working rather than relaxing, and further tiring as me and my colleague as usual went the extra mile to make sure we see all the worth while places while juggling work , which included a 3 hour one drive from dead sea to petra ( one of the new 7 wonders ) 3 hours walking around 20 kms and then 3 hour drive back to make it to team building dinner.

it was a fun tiring trip, if i claim selective amnesia on the painful presentations to senior management , will write more about it when i finally get chance to relax at home and get some long sleep, and few days living away from my manager , i swear i asked the guy at the boarding to make sure i get seats far far away from him during my flight back, if i spend one more hour with him i will have enough work to keep me busy for next 3 weeks non stop, he keeps remembering work to give and things i can do

need to spend some 3 odd hours more now ..........

p.s : i have a pending tag to complete

M.I.A

so my picture on the new passport looks a bit less retarted as compared to the one on the last.

totally killed in work

sucks

so like , having your passport lost sucks

and what more sucks is that you didnt do it, a guy in your team misplaced it

and what sucks even more is that its not misplaced, but your locked drawer is also missing a packed cell phone

and what sucks even more is that you will have to pay 8k for urgent loss passport fee

what sucks even more than that is that all you travel history is lost and all valid visas gone

lets see how the stakes are raised by events to come..........

Chapter Two

It was a quiet night. Electricity was gone for past 30 hours as it was raining and streets were flooded with water. As there was no electricity there was no TV, no radio , in short no noise, it was a quiet night indeed.

Pat sat holding his bat on the mat. He had lost his ball thus the game he was playing was to pretend that the mat was a ship in a flowing river and his bat the oar that he was swiftly using to maneuver his way through the river.

Suddenly there was a short knock on the door, In the complete silence it sounded like thunder.

"Who is it " shouted Pat from his mat., in answer to the question there were a series of knocks of varying durations, two long one short , two short one long, one short , three short , three short , one short two long , four short , three long.

Pat was confused as the knocks sounded to be in Morse code, and the Morse code of the knocks seem to be saying 'Guess who'

"what do you mean guess who, you don't go knocking people's doors and play guess who" , shouted Pat back.

once more the door started vibrating from the various knocking patterns, Pat had to really tune his ears to listen up what was being said this time around. , One long, four short , two short , three short , two short , three short , one long , four short , one short

'This is the ' , wondered Pat, "this is the who ? " he asked aloud.

This time the knocks on the front door said 'Bill'

"Bill" , wondered at aloud to himself , why would the kid from his class who lived 4 blocks away would be coming to his house in this heavy rain.

He got up from the mat and went to open the door. From the peep hole in the door he saw a small figure hunched in the rain and trying to cover his head from the drops, his face was hidden behind the raised arms.

He opened the door and Bill rushed in from the rain and went directly infront of the fire place.
Bill took of the heavy wet rain coat , socks and cap , his Golden hair falling all the way down to the middle of his back along with Pat's mouth with if not hinged to his face would have fallen to the ground .

Bill turned around and shouted angrily , "What took you so long ? i had been pounding like anything for the past 10 minutes" , said Lassie , who wasn't Bill,

Pat's managed to drag his mouth up and stutter " b..bu..but your not Bill !"

"Ofcourse im not Bill what ever in the world gave you that idea? "

"You said it so yourself when i asked who it was "

"said myself ? i could hear nothing but the wet cold rain falling down on me , im SO going to catch a cold now because of you opening the door in a million years "

"but but , You said it was Bill , in your Knocks , through the Morse code "

"Morse Code ? what ever gave you the idea i would know Morse code ? it was freezing outside and when you didn't answer the first two knocks i started pounding till i get an answer. You were suppose to be expecting me i believe, your mom and dad agreed to have me over for the weekend while my parents are out of town remember? "

And then Pat realised that whatever Lassie was saying was true and indeed , who would communicate in Morse code in normal every day life? Lassie was going to be staying over at his house this weekend, and Pat's Grandma was also going to come over, infact his mom and dad would already be coming back from the train station now after picking her up.

"Sorry Lassie , i guess it is my mistake that you got completely drenched"

"Oh never mind that , i have some exciting news for you... " , said Lassie,

Now that Pat looked carefully , he did notice that Lassie was over excited, more than the usual as lassie was almost always running around poking her nose in things.

He wondered what was this exciting news. Little did he know now that this one news will take him to his biggest ever adventure.

start

so tomorrow i head out to islamabad, and after January of 1998 this is once again i am not just going to visit islamabad for a day or two but now i have to move there to live.

so tomorrow i leave lahore after 6 years. Ever since i started this job , and now i have to move to Islamabad once again. One would think that having lived 5 year during graduation and 8 years in childhood in the twin cities a person would be ok with going to the place. But somehow i aint that much enthusiastic about it, though i have a huge circle of friends over there bigger than ones i have here in lahore.

I have to go and find myself an apartment now, lets see where i end up at but i have my eyes on bahria town, given its gonna take me 40 mins one way drive to office each morning but its a nice quiet place, the other option might be some where in F11 area. The next step will be to moving my stuff and buying some furniture here.

For now , the new responsibilites are going to be enough to keep me busy.

Islamabad here i come , with a flu i might add

Purple Kurta

so Hemlock dedicated this to mE on my Purple Kurta....

useless updates

so in another dream in the sleep of 30 mins that i go just before sehri , i received a sms from a friend which said this "You will get all the light that you need by lunch time". i was contemplating on the weirdness of the content that i was waken up by a call from another friend who was making sure i dont miss the sehri.

reaching 5 am in the morning the previous night and getting poor sleep and a long day i was already so exhausted that i decided against me moving out of the bed and go down for sehri, instead i drank all the water i could fill up myself with and decided to force sleep. needless to say the venture was useless

and then my mind driffted to the "you will get all the light.." message and then light went out,, by 11am i decided to stop pretending to sleep and actually reach office as my new manager was under the illusion that i was in office somewhere since 9am or somethingy, cause that the time i was answering hiscalls and all that.

new manager reminds me how screwed i will be in the next 1-1/2 hours, yesterday i was sent in invite for a monthly project review of the new project i undertook last week and i was asked if the slide pack which was sent on 18th sept to the previous guy was ready and that i would be presenting it, after 20 hours im still awaiting few input from finance to complete the presentation, oh i hate project managment.

in another news, islamabad has bad sheesha

weird dream

usually i dont remember dreams after waking up, its a habit ive developed over the years because some do come true, but today while traveling back to Lahore i managed to get a shut eye which usually dont happen on daewoo ,

so im in office and i visit my manager and while talking to him in his room i kinda get a look at his laptops screen and i see that the webpage is on my blog , and i think like what ?? and pretend to have the normal conversation with him and like he doesn't mention the blog or anythingy, and then i go downstairs and on my way i stop at the lead design architect on the project and this guy is too has a webpage open and its my blog , and i think to myself , damn i need to change my blog address now :P

dont remember anythingy else that might have happened in the dream

pillows

i like sleeping with 3 fluffy pillows

alarm alarm

information overload...

anomaly in computing data

brain malfunction

hulk integrity breached

shutdown shutdown

step 1

So life begins to change , and change drstically, 2 years ago when i moved from my current position into this new project i thought that was a big change, i was taking on a project which was completely new based on a new technology, the worlds first network while my peers had huge experience in project management and my first as PM. My manager had 27 years or experience in this company, while i was not even 27 years of age even. It turned out well , it turned out good enough, it was not a smooth road but we managed.

today i take another step , the first to the truly drastic change in a long long time to happen.

step 1 , im here in isb now, wil be here for a week more for now , would be busy in handing over and taking over of the previous project i was in before this current one 2 years ago, but now i am going to take up place which was then held by my then manager.

so one week to get deep into all the tiny details of the project, injected to my system in a short span of 6 days, and this too including saturday and sunday, im on a so called leave from the other project and have an out of office ("OOO") on my emails for the customer, while i exhaust myself in this new one.

and in the morning i called driver at 7am so i can make it for 8am flight to isb, the dirver thought i am calling him at 8am, missed the flight due to my returned insomniac traits of the old , i cant seem to get any sleep, the only time im sleeping these days is after 5am in most cases by 7, so today i was awake till 7 , and i missed the flight still, came by road then, im sleepy, and hungry for some reason too

i need my sheesha , majlis here i come

farmaish

ok this goes here on hemlocks "farmaish"

for hemlock

chasing cars

if i lay here , if i just lay here

would you lie with me and just forget the world................

Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars

of HDDs

so a few weeks ago i was having harddisk crisis, my extrnal one got dropped, my laptops harddisk crashed and revived it using spinrite, incredible software that one . so far my laptops harddisk has crashed 3 times , 2 out of 3 were currpted sectors, thanks to spinrite its still working.

So finaly today the replacement harddisk for the lappy is here, now i need to reinstall windows and transfer all the data.

My external harddive would be back after a week more, just hope the data survives the trip.

and they just delivered this 60gb harddisk for my lappy, now i have to install everythingy on it. will do so in an hours time

and then

and she told me, she loves me in the middle of night and hung up when there was silence from my side.

i kept calling her and could not get through, for hours i dialed and she would not pick up, and finally she did, crying. in the long hours that followed we talked, about what this change would mean for our current relationship, how we would not let this tiny detail matter.

and few weeks later, i told her i loved her, again in the middle of night, sitting across to her. and again there were tears which were shed, late into the night the talk continued. we talked how this would mean change or everything, how hopeless it was for 'us', there was a path we were walking which we could walk for the time till our separate destinations take us away, that path we decided to walk hand in hand for as long as we can.

and the journey was beautiful, it was an existence in now and here, there was no future mentioned only the present lived. there were dreams and hopes but never were spoken aloud.
and the journey was over, there was a crossroad, there was a parting. some pieces inside were shattered, some memories were held closer than life. there was a healing time, in which mending was done, memories were let go. there was a reunion of sorts, the talking terms were reestablished. But there was a heartbeat that skipped on every encounter, nothing was spoken aloud.


and she told me, she loves someone else in the middle of night and hung up when there was silence from my side............

take that

i did it ,

ouch

so like, once upon a time there was an 80GB hardisk as my eternal drive, those small portable ones that you carry around in the laptop bag and put junk in whenever you lay your hands on somethingy.
So like few months ago that 80GB started making noises, paid no heed, and then one day finally it stopped responding, there lighted up an alarm in the brain that oh damn, DATA , all that years and years of DATA.
and like that 80GB was rushed to data recovery experts who kinda examined it and informed me that its was beyond repair , although data could be saved by opening it up and going sector by sector and its gonna cost like 15k.
so i decided to say goodbye to that data and went on to buy a new harddisk. decided to go for a branded one this time as to have more "reliability". Compared like a locally made 500GB to a 320GB of Westren Digital, and WD was like 2k more expensive.
The problem is , i have this thingy, that once i like somethingy i end up buying it sooner or later , so 320GB WD it was , with a sleek sesky look to it, 10 months warranty 24 month extended warranty.



so i kinda end up taking this beauty home. 320GB was a lot of space and i managed to just fill up like 60GB in the past one month.


it was a dark night, there was no sun to be found, it was more dark as the tube light was off, and there was an eery glow coming from the screen of the laptop and the harddisk was on the bedside table beside me and then as fate would have it , my cousin knocked it down the table and it crashed on his foot and then to the floor. Oh the horror, the HORROR , THE HORROR

and now the disk has stopped responding, its not being detected and like i called up warranty support and no ones picking up the call, but dropping does not get covered in warranty anyway.

Its a sad sad sad day...........

"we had joy we had fun we had the seasons in the sun................"

huston we have a problem

[12:37] .: so like huston, can you hear us ?
[12:38] - 1.21: librety, we read you fine
[12:38] - 1.21: tell us, whats up yo?
[12:38] .: huston , the mailbox is overflowing
[12:38] .: its like an invasion
[12:39] - 1.21: liberty, this is a direct order
[12:39] - 1.21: RETREAT!
[12:39] - 1.21: i mean, DELETE
[12:39] .: negative negative
[12:39] - 1.21:
[12:39] - 1.21: lol
[12:39] - 1.21: what doth the mailbox say my child
[12:40] .: master , there is immense energy located in the mesages
[12:40] .: some harbor pure hatred , others are a little upset
[12:40] .: but majority has frustration of not getting any feedback
[12:41] - 1.21: LOL

tense nights

so like the night before last i was up in tension, i slept at 3 and after every few minutes i would wake up because of the tension that i had.

and you might ask me what was bothering me, well i was tense because i had to wake up early in the morning and get to a 10am meeting.... and the prospect of waking up early kept me awake all night in delusional sleep

so like there is another fear in my list now, fear of waking up early morning

unexpected smile

and i was positively surprised today when i reached office. I knew they would have remembered my birthday but never did i imagine that they would bring on the party since morning instead of traditional evening cake cutting ceremony. so i reached my room to find baloons tied up to my chair , a number of presents and confetti , as i stepped in i was showered with it as well.



and then everyone was given a party hat and told to wear them, and i was handed a card from my team, a very interesting message in it


(click the card to read the mesasge)
im blessed to have such a great team, they are right, they have been through hell in trying to meet the deadlines and none has come to me complaining once

so there is a cake cutting to be done soon , and then im being asked for a treat,

so im sitting hunched a bit on my chair as the balloons are hitting my head , and so far i have not yet opened my inbox to start working , dont feel like it

so the cake was here,



the blue is food color which has made the inside of the mouth blue of everyone here, and then the ordered pizza came which was my treat. unexpectedly there were more than 30 ppl in office at that time, so even 6 large pizza vanished in like a split second

leave

To
Headache
My head
127.0.0.1


Subject : Immediate Leave required


Dear Sir,

It is respectfully stated that since morning when you decided to grace my mind and let known your presence known throughout the backside of my head, i have been unable to perform my duties satisfactorily. The immense migraine created as a result of your arrival has rendered my mind useless for the most part. Every sound that i hear is magnified to the fullest and the hammering downstairs for construction work is making the situation worse.
I humbly request that i be granted leave of your presence for now so that i can have some peace of mind

yours obediently
mE
08/15/07



attachments: 2 Panadol Extra

Transformers

And ppl told me this was good , but i waznt expecting it to be this good. AMAZING, must see. Ive already seen it twice, the first screening at sozo world with the youth festival including concert of Call the band and The Rising, i would say it was worth the wait , 16 months i waited for this movie to release , 16 since the time the movie was announced to the time i sat in a cinema to watch it.

.

So the next day i took my little cousins to DHA Cinema to watch it. and we entered the premises and i went down to the foyer to get coke and pop corns and there i ran into the very same girl which i mentioned in the previous post , plane girl lets say. so she was with the cousin she was staying with , introduced me to her " the guy i told you about , i met in the plane" and then her cousin dragged her into the cinema as the movie was starting and in like 30 secs or less the meeting ended. i thought i would catch her once the show is over. so in the middle of the movie i saw those two rush out of the cinema , and didn't return. so i think if i ran into her next time , the third time , i would definitely ask her contact details.

.

so anyhoo, transformers is a must watch, i cant wait for the collectors DVD edition to come out , definitely gonna own this one and add them beside my Lord of the Rings collection, it would be nice if this too has extended version of the movie , Lord of the rings had 30, 45 and 56 mins of extra footage in the three movies respectively.

.

So cant wait for them to announce 2nd installment of this.. now its The Dark Knight im waiting for, less than 11 months to go yeaay.

of travel n flights

so like last night i traveled to isb , left office at 8pm, left home around 9:30ish and crossed the toll plaza on motorway around 10ish. reached isb around 2:30, went to scheme 3, chatted the 2 hours away before we all got up and went to the airport to see of my sister who be moving to canada, took us better of 3 hours and then i had a flight back to lahore to make it for a meeting i had herei nthe morning .
so being awake since previous day morning by the time i checked in i was sorta not in my senses , in 15 mins they announced the flight for the lahore i simply walked to the gate and there the guys says , this flight has not been announced yet. upon arguing it was revealed that i have been given a boarding pass to a karachi flight with someone having the same surname as me, rushed back to the counters, talked with the supervisor lady, she insisted i have karachi booking while holding my ticket in her hand , i have to point out , lady that is not my name, please look at my name and my booking number, then it dawned to her that they have made a blunder, she rushed a guy to unload my baggage from the khi flight , gave me a new boarding pass and i moved back through the security checks to the boarding, made it 2 mins before the flight departure time and then the flight was waiting for my lugage to come and we lost our window, next we had to wait 8 turns to get to our window at the runway again, it took pain stakingly long and i was almost dropping to sleep yet since the plane wqas atr turbo, elder brother of a focker the airconditioning was not yet fully bloomed untill the plane is in sky.

so right next to me was this girl who kept on flipping open her v3 and then closing it again, so i kinda leaned over and said , "excuse me, but should you not be turning the phone off? "
"i should should not i " was her reply and she turned it off.

so it was her first time in an ATR Turbo, she was telling someone on the phone when i first came to sit that "Its such a small plane". so i told her that these are the replacement for old focker planes "Thats not too encouraging" was the reply. So i told her that so dont turn on your phone because it is said that the mobile interferes with the navigation system of a plane, so its better we do not take chances on this small aircraft. Though she did open it up after 40 mins of constant complaints that she needs to turn it on always otherwise she gets uneasy.

so next 55 mins in air and landing were spent in talking about different topics, jokes, all in all good time, i pointed to her that shoaib akhtar was on the plane , when we got out we noticed what he was wearing , the guy looked dopped, was wearing a brown tshirt with black trousers and the trousers were see through, i dont know if anyone was turned on by seeing his semi visible legs and black underwear, oh horror, i might have nightmares now...

so i said goodbye to my co-traveler wishing her a good time in lahore for her short stay and somehow i thought asking her contact would have not been proper, so i didnt ask. went to office directly and by 12;30 is could barely open by eyes, so i spread a Janamaz on the floor behind my desk and closed my eyes, when i opened them it was 1:40, got up and then by 2:30 i was at the customer meeting trying to grasp my senses and stay awake

its 5pm now, and transformers is hitting the cinemas tonight, and im not gonna let sleep hinder in my way to see this moive, if only i can stay awake till 9pm

tired

3rd day, i havent slept for more than 30 mins in a stretch. Cummulative sleep is 4 hours max in these 72 hours.



i jsut want to be able to sleep for a longer duration now, just a few hours, 2 would do for starters, i just cant seem to sleep, my eyes burn, yet when i lay my head down i just wont sleep.



ive always been a light sleeper, ever since when i was a kid i used to wake up on Ammi's first call, but this is getting out of hand, i dont believe in taking sleeping pills, it screws up your system, but repeat , this is getting out of hand now.



last night around 2am i had 101 fever, could not sleep, tried reading a book for an hour more but nothing helped, left bed and put in the new game my cousin brought in my xbox 360, played that for next 4 hours , it was 7am when i was tired enough to sleep a while, i dont even remember which level of the game i got to.



the night previous i found myself recovering my data from the crshed hardisk of my laptop, again with a fever to boot and the night previous to that was the big deadline that we missed, amazing how all the effort is invisible in front of just one mistake , but anyway, thats whater under the bridge.



my coughs better now, throats no longer sore, im not sneezing as much and the water works from my nose have decided to retreat for now.



and now tonight it would be 96 hours by 3am, i dont think i can sleep anyway before that time.

4 hours of combined sleep 4 days.

just for a few hours

sleep, just let me sleep

duck

One mistake nullifies all the effort

chapter one

Pat was a unique kid, unique as everyone is unique in the world. Thus Pat was like any other kid in the neighborhood. When Pat was little he asked his father if he could get a pet dog.

"Getting a Dog is a huge responsibility Son" said his father

"Whats responsibility? " asked Pat.

"Well" said Pat , "Responsibility means taking care of the dog, Who will feed it ? "

"Isn't God suppose to provide food to all his living creatures? " asked Pat.

Pat got a dog the very next day.

He named the dog "Canine Assault Terrier", 'CAT' for short.

CAT was a good dog. Starvation killed CAT after a few days. Pat cried the day CAT died.

Seeing how upset Pat was, his father brought him a hamster in a small golden cage. There was a small wheel around which the hamster used to go round and round. and used to run up and down on the two story cage.

Pat named the hamster "Diagonal Orthogonal Gamer", 'DOG' for short.

Alas DOG also died by the hands (or teeth) of starvation

This was too much for Pat to take, he went over to his neighbors house and demanded salvation from Starvation. Pat's father called up animal control to report the incident and soon Starvation was laid to rest once it was confirmed that Starvation had indeed gone rabid.

Pat saw Lassie the next day at the animal cemetery. She was standing in front of Starvation's grave.

The tomb stone read "Here lies Starvation, May he not be hungry in the afterlife"

And it was then Pat decided to walk up to Lassie and talk to her.

"Hi" , he mumbled

"Hello", replied Lassie without taking her eyes off the grave.

"I'm Pat"

"Lassie".

"so ..em, he was your dog? " he asked

" No", she replied turning around and looking at Pat for first time, "Starvation was my wolf". she smiled

And Pat had never seen a smile so beautiful with eyes sparking from mischief.

Little did he know that it was this meeting with Lassie that would lead him to the path to a certain dragon. But the path comes later for now Pat was just lost within that amazing smile.

scream

do you sometimes hear a scream and realize its you?

can you take me higher

I'm still having troubles sleeping at night, and even bigger trouble waking up in the morning. I dont sleep good at nights and i cant sleep in day, so basically im screwed.


Im nocturnal, there was a time when i would have been awake all night and sleep only in the day, but that time was in my holidays after my fsc, and then there was a time when i would sleep just 28 hours in a day if given a chance, but that time is also long gone, that was the 4 years of my graduate studies. Then there was a time when i stayed awake 7 days in a row, again that time is also bygone it was the last week of my final year project submission. i still remember those coffee mugs, which started from 4 a day and ended at 15, but that is a story for another time.


And then there was another phase, where i slept for just 2 or 3 hours a day for months and months. This phase is not just a one time occurrence, i have been subjected to those time and again. And then there was a routine when my mind would feel sleepy when it sees 3am on the clock ticking away on the wall. Before 3am it would not be possible to atleast feel a tiny bit of sleep. But i would sleep peacefully afterwords.

and then there was a time when i was working in field where there would be long days which would stretch to 36 to 48 hours , where your travelling from site to site working meeting deadlines. But after your part of the work was done you would sleep. Sometimes in the car, or sometimes taking packing of equipment and sleeping on the floor. Sometimes we would sleep on site waiting for equipment , or connectivity or something similar before we can start the work. Never did we let pass any opportunity to sleep

and later on, there came a time when i no longer went to the field but instead sent others, in mornings you would make plans face customer and send guys to the field and do the job, and then at night you will be awake once more as the guys would be calling you up and informing the progress or problems, seeking advice on issues. And once a particular persons job was done , he would sleep, but not i, as there is always someone in the field keeping you awake.

Yet the one i mentioned on top above, not sleeping good isnt new, but not related to long gone past. I have been sleeping bad for the past 1 year now or perhaps more. I sleep when im exhausted utterly and then i wake up for work in the morning. yet this sleep is not sleep, there is no blissful blackout of the mind, there is no rest , my body still aches when i wake up, my eyes still burn. There is no time when my senses are lost, im aware when dark turns to light outside, when a car passes outside on the street, when ppl move around in the house downstairs. im asleep yet i am not.


i am tired. i want to sleep , where my mind dont know what is happening outside, when my body dont feel like its been dragged through the city.

Perhaps i should try taking up getting high or somethingy.....

man down man down

so like, after every battle there are few casualties , even during a battle some are lost and some simply cannot continue on the front lines and are sent back to the sick beds.

so had one the worst yet enjoyable weekend. had like 101 ~102 fever, upset stomach and a rising pain in the throat to boot. skipped office on Friday, traveled home on the same night as on Saturday there was an engagement ceremony at my home of my cousin. Saturday morning was spent in preparations and finishing HP7 ( sucked big time i think ) , and by the time the function was rolling and being broad casted to the cousins abroad live i was completely spent , and then the shouting and taunting and all and soon i found myself lying on the carpet in the lounge and holding my back which decided to ache on the extreme.
when i woke up the next morning sneezing had joined the race and yet i could feel the throat about to join the party.

Sunday night traveling back, reaching Lahore Monday morning and by the time i was in office joining directly in a customer meeting i was coughing like anything. and then the meeting decided it would go for 3 hours. and after finally saying goodbye at 2 found out that the next one will start at 4 at our office, didnt knew it would stretch till 8:30, neglected the cough and now have a choked throat.

and then we decided to go watch "Khuda Key liey" at the new DHA cinema , must say im impressed with the cinema , good effort on our part . the only drawback, Just one screen and yea the second drawback (or it should be drawback NO 1, priority 0, high level red alert), NO Nachos with cheese and salsa topped with jalapenos , sad sad sad


the movie itself borders close to a telly film rather than a silver screen item. Yet i believe its been done cleverly, its full of small messages thrown in here and there for you to find out and simultaneously nothing is said outright so as not to get banned.

the funny part is , iman ali says " shove it up your arse" and the thingy was not censored cause the board thinks that there is a difference between an arse and a , err what again ??

but over all there are plenty of small hints and taunts , but no outright bigger picture message, everything is left to the audiences own perception, like you choose which you want to follow or how you Interpret your own Islam, not shown good vs bad. yet pointed out misconceptions and confusion.

Shoaib Mansoors comment " the movie is for all those misguided Muslims like Junaid Jamshed "

dont know what JJ said to that.

Like in one scene , CIA guy opens up a "taveez" and found Arabic verses written on it, he goes and asks what is the meaning of this
"I can read it but i dont understand what it is"
" so why do you want to read something which you have no desire to understand "

similarly, there is another message which is on the line " What is the use of this Namaz when you do not stand up and help those who are in need or do the right thing"

Like in the beginning of the movie there was alot of laughs on going ppl joking in the cinema, and in the end when the court scene comes of Naseer Uddin Shah, and the main message of the movie is given, that is the time when the whole audience is gripped and paying complete attention, so i would say it was great work done on captivating and relating the main message in the right way.

on the downside, Iman Ali has such bad skin. can someone please pass on the fair an lovely to her, and like how do you kill those zits ? 40 feet of bad skin face , ouch.


so on another front , i just received a crate of mangos from customer relationship manager in warid, lets see how many zits can you get after finishing a whole crate.

stand and fight

Stand and Fight,
Say what you will
Born with a Heart of Steel,
Stand and Fight.

No not reciting the song "Heart of Steel" by Manowar , this is just what i feel im doing past few days at work, like just turn on the "Hail and Kill" mode.

Like ive been fighting with

The Customer: screw the customer is always right.
subcons and vendors: im the customer IM RIGHT.
within my organization, finance , HR, Procurements, Logistics : Bring It ON

Just sent some emails out which im sure would have burned some ppl up at customer to the core and then i have a meeting in an hours time with the very same ppl, ah that would be interesting.

So had the meeting , i need a hair cut these days, ive decided to grow my frenche more wildly past few days, and like the shirt i was wearing today, i kinda broke the front button just below the neck, like there is one right on the collar and then the one below it i broke it off, and when we reached the meeting i had my sleeves rolled up, the topmost button and the one below it open and my hair a bit wild (forgot to gell them down in the morning ) and with a kinda wild frenche, the customer end PM made a comments that looks like your in a mood to fight today and i was like "yea thats what its come down to aint it "

so like, whistling, Warriors of the World

Brothers Everywhere
Raise Your Hands Into The Air
We're Warriors
Warriors Of The World


Like Thunder From The Sky
Sworn To Fight And Die
We're Warriors
Warriors Of The World ..........................

reforming

ok so, damn , im screwed

yea , another of the oh duck, im being killed by work post. then i say screw that lets talk about reforming my country.

there is a need to like cleanse my country, all politicians and molvis need to be placed before the firing squad. let there be martial law by an organization not a person, and mass execution of all the current leaders and all the molvis. and then lets rebuild from there.

i think i like the clouds on the clear blue sky above the green trees which i can see from my window right now. buildings just ruin this view, there is a need to pull down all the towers of cell phone companies and to give the skyline some beauty

i swear , if we had twin towers here in Lahore and some suicide terrorists tried to crash the plane into those twin towers they would have failed miserably, like they would be hanging by RF heads of Moblink or Ufone or Warid or Telenor and even if they somehow managed to evade all those towers they would be caught up in the data towers of broadband companies or even if they evade those as well there are radio towers, "app ka apna FM WAN hAnDarad"

and then the other thingy is that since the molvis of Lal Masjid have declared a jihad on gov and Army , (subhan Allah waisey, Jihad against Muslims), thus its a common understanding that we can grow beards and cut our shalwars from above the ankles take a gas mask and an AK47 and rob a bank, but mind you NO pvt bank is allowed, you can only rob National Bank of Pakistan. and yes if your short on ammunition you can always go and beat up a Ranger and take his Gun.

i like enlightened moderation, saves cloth. our industries can now export more cloth since only little is required to supply the laddies here.

and ways to get high should be legallized like holand , we have more quantity of these drugs running aorund than holand can ever dare to imagine. Our tourist industry might flourish this way, and like the ppl would be more easier to handle , like docile. our youth wont have to hide their habbits from their elders and will be socially accepted.

i need to go back to another conference call and then few more meeting before i take out my gun and go on a shooting randomness.

rain

in a lone remote station
i stood awaiting
the train ran late
sunlight was fading

as day turned to dark
clouds gathered above the path
still became the wind
foretelling a tale of its wrath

a crack of thunder
a blaze of lightening
behold the sound
so loud, so frightening

yet for a moment
died all the sound
down came the rain
hitting hard on the ground

fragrance of the wet soil
filled the air all around
like a sweet embrace
comfort in it i found

lost in the smell
a walk i started
drenched i became
once shelter i parted

in wind and rain
the leaves were flapping
on the beat of tiny drums
trees stood singing, dancing and clapping

joyous were the sounds
magical was the sight
calmness filled the air
cast away was fright

to wash away the filth
down poured the shower
beautiful looked everything
like petals of a new flower

sparkling clean were plants
of dirt they were free
even in such darkness
it was plain for all to see

visible now and then vanished
water fell from the sky
words fail me to explain it
a sight , my oh my

pity i felt for others
not a soul was on the road
hiding in their houses
when such gifts were bestowed

lost within a world of enchantment
for hours i strolled
through all of the wonders
forgotten , time rolled

that night i shall remember
though the time is far apart
wet, dark and cold
with a chill that warmed the heart

martyr

so ive been not blogging lately, have been very busy, and somehow dettached from my surroundings , i mean im participating in things and working and all that but somehow my mind aint there, im drifting somewhere deep in myself.
normaly i dont take tension of work, im known as the most cool minded person in office , no ones sees me aggravated on any work related issue but these past 3 weeks specially ive been very tense, even admitting it to myself is hard. im so mentally screwed and then office politics against me , its finanzial year and and i am suupsoe to get a raise, somehow my work is being demeaned, not being paranoid , and like to top it off things have been going horribly bad as well, things on which i dont have any control, and somethings i didnt pay much attention in the past have now come back to haunt me cause the person who i thought would do it didnt do it , but since its my responsibility, thus im the one who is screwed.
the last annual leave i took was in 2004, whole of 2005 and 2006 i did not get time to take off, being a project manager for the first time and trying to prove a point to others in company who raised their eyebrows when i was appointed, perhaps i was the youngest in this organization to get to be a project manager of such a high visibility project, a project that was the first in the world of its kind,
anyway, so holidays, on top of my own work i am to handle additional load as the guy who was doing the program managers tasts is on leave, sine the program manager has no clue what so ever how to run things, that part too i have to take care of for the next 3 weeks more. And thus for another 3 weeks i cannot take a leave or wont get one
and when i started this post i thought i would just write a few lines and then close it off and get some sleep, or try atleast, cause apparently that is another thingy that i am not getting much lately, each night i literally say this " wtf its 3am again " . guess i would say that in like 20 mins time from now .
taday was a good day, after such a long time i have been mentally relased for some reason, i dont know the reason cause there is nothingy wrong between yesterday and today, or any previous day in the last 3 weeks, same work load, same issues, same no help from someone who can help but wont for some reason, all is the same yet i am relaxed today
i will cutt of this post here, otherwise it would go on and on and on ...
im soon gonna be wasted in the line of duty

blah blah

blah blah blah , blha dah blahbe de dah.

so like thats what i hear right now and feel like saying when someone ask me somethingy. like i feel like just throwing a fit and scream and pull my hair and bite someone.
this brings me back to my first semester, like there was a mid term of calculus and i kinda flunked in it , not to mention all of the others did as well, but like they already knew they were screwed when they gave the paper, and i came out smilling and saying yea it was good , so turns out i didnt answer the questions , theorems word by word as the teacher wrote to us , but i kinda used my own words to describe the logic required and i scored even lower than those who were sad after the paper lamenting than they screwed up. so like anyway, here i am in the class holding my paper in my hand with a big 0 where i was expecting somethingy like 19 out of 20, and im wondering wtf (what the for did i study ), so then im still sitting in the class after everyones gone out and after a few mins there are these 2 girls sitting there and like talking to each other with their heads glued together and like i waited for a few more mins for them to break up and go out , after few mins i find myself again sitting there in the back of the room those girls i think were on 2nd or 4rd row from the front , and i like ask them, " like when are you planning to leave " and they ask me "err , why" , i " well i wanna scream on top of my lungs" , they "oh" , "we dont mind go ahead" , "are you sure" , they "ah yea", me "ok here goes" and then i screamed , as loud as i could as long as i could , just letting it all out , im sure they were holding their hands on their ears by the time i was done and giggling like some some dumb blonds when i walked out.

so this brings me back to now and now, i feel like doing the same thingy, but instead i find myself sitting in a meeting where i cant even hysterically pulll my hair and jump around the room like a kangroo and drop kick someone

so its nearing 10 pm now my mind has refused to respond to blah de blah blah blah blah blah, blah dah dum, laba h blaha baga bo ga

stone

standing in the window looking down below on the city, a city of stone, empty and hard , unyeilding and ressilient. He has been walking down its street ever since he can remember, some times there would be storms and rain would splash all around , droplets hitting stone all around, so within this city, there is nothing made of anything but stone. sometimes he thinks that if there were other people living in this city, they would be made of stone as well, with stone hearts not flesh and blood. Sometimes he would go walk out of the stone into the clifs that looked out and below into the vast sea, he had never touched the sea, just seen how vast it was, he had seen the bird which lived on the sea, flying in distant sky that cicles the sea and lived on the air current, sometimes they circled the cliff he stood on, white a contrast to the grey sky.

In his city of stone, the sky was forever grey, always the sun shone from behind a layer of clouds. It rained in his city of stone, seldom stopping, only as if to catch its breath, now fast then slow.

Mist ruled in this city of stone , obscuring vision to anything beyond a few feet, like a veil. Limiting sight to now and here, he never did worry about what lay beyond, he never did wonder what might come.

There was no warmth in his city of stone, only cold stone,

This city of stone , he called his heart

cycle

another night, another restless sleep. the continuous sound of clock ticking seconds away is the only sound apart from the sound of breathing till day break, slowly very slowly the darkness fades and light creeps in through the curtains on the windows. mind aware of the gradual change in temprature, coolness of night passing over to warmth of the day.

another day, another directionless path, walking in crowds of strangers bearing familiar faces, performing pointless tasks. watching events unfolding in slow motion all around, watching as if done by someone else, in another's life , in another time. dusk arrives and goes unnoticed, light outside the window is replaced with darkness.

tonight is another night, tomorrow is another day

-

on 31st May 2007 another shade on us all left us, another one who used to give unconditional love and prayers to us all , Phuppi Amma we will miss you

a day before saturday

firdays, i hate fridays, specially those after which i plan to go for the weekend, the day doesnt seem to end , and the tasks keep pilling up and up.

but i cant really hate fridays , cause after that comes saturday and sunday, i like those 2 days, atleast i get to stay in bed till late, if i go home to my parents , then i get to sleep till 1 or 2 pm and no one comes to wake me up,

i just dont want to do anything when i get there, like dont want to go to market or meet someone, just stay at home and waste time, read a book or sit on the computer and play a game , or whatever, as long as im not dragged to go to shopping im ok,

and here i am awaiting a weekend all week long and some ppl in the world are cursing them and waiting for a working week to begin,

work front is going horribly bad these days, there is nothingy that isnt going out of hand, like murpheys law, right now ive left worrying on that front, but the good part is ive sort of caught up on my emails, now the only ones left are either status reports on different projects around the world which i dont have time to read or the others are those that if someone wants my reponse on anythingy they will either send email again or call me if its really urgent. Hopefuly from monday my teams will be once again complete and back from their vacations, weddings and/or trainings and then i would again start delegating my work, ah delegation, such a sweet sweet sweet managment tool.

like i was telling hemlock a few days back, when i started this project , in the begining i was pretty scared , like the others on this project were old vetrans in the field, my manager who came in from US had the experience equal to my age. The customer considered me a kid when i went into meetings and didnt take me much seriously , so i decided to take things head on, i built a team and i hired ppl .........................................so that i can blame someone for my mistakes,

pretty inspiring story aint it,

in another news, this brainfall quiz has dubbed me Sylar, i think i should stark poping heads up and see what makes them tick. so far i havent found anyone worthy of taking his/her powers sadly , Myyearbook quiz , has dubbed me a hands on flirt, toba toba , damn im bored i would say

yabber

So far , too bad. An extremly worse start of a day where nothingy seems to be going fine work wise. Total chaos so far. I need a break , a long one, not just a weekend , that wont be enough to sustain me for long.

im lost these days, i dont know what im doing , work is just a distraction which keeps me occupied from totaly screwing up my brain. i have no idea what im aiming for right now, i started preparing for giving my PMP next month, have not been studying lately, i guess i would have to postpone the exam now, i wont be ready in 7 days in anycase.

the customer front if killing me as well, im in a meeting every day now for hours, yesterday after attending another 3 hours one, i came to office worked a little and called it a day and went home at 5 and slept , woke up at 8 to find 8 texts and 20 missed calls, and then i slept again rather forced myself to sleep at 12, closed the eyes and tried to atleast.

and im once again having dreams these nights, its been long since i have stopped remembering my dreams, as in what was in the dream but i remember what the dream made me feel. past few nights its all confusion, like the dreams dont make sense, i have had some which left me scared or happy or sad, but confused is new. something just dont make sense. Half the time i wake up disoriented as to where i am and all that and it takes me time to really come to terms with surroundings. Its pretty discomforting a feeling to have, specially right after waking up.

The waking up usually happen at odd times throughout the night, and then after a while i drift again in another tired sleep, only to wake up again a while later. Last night i woke up 5 times in a period of 10 mins , each time it felt as if i was asleep for hours, only when i saw the clock on the wall was when it was revealed that its just few mins from the last time i sat up.

its almost 3 now, ive been writing this post over the past 4 hours, in the middle or work now and then, have another meeting in an hours time. i dont think i have anything else to write more about at the moment , so i will close this post at this time, let me check where be my lunch

tag - 3 things

A tag from fairydust....

three things that scare me:

1- large water bodies (mostly lakes)

2- Confounded spaces

3- first encounters with beings or events not explainable by logic ( yes i have had a few)



three people who make me laugh:

1- him

2- her

3- it



three things i love:

1- Night Rain

2- mE

3- Sleeping



three things i hate:

1- not finishing your thought when you start saying it

2- waking up early morning

3- not having my privacy over long periods of time



three things i don’t understand:

1- A theory of spatial structure in ecological communities

2- myself

3- mind games



three things on my desk:

1- mouse

2- laptop

3- papers



three things i am doing right now:

1- making a presentation

2- thinking why cant it be just 1 thingy tag, 3 are hard

3- wondering what to write here



three things i want to do before i die:

i give you ten



three things i can do:

1- smile with a intense hate in my eyes

2- laugh when things go wrong

3- wait



three things you should listen to:

1- rain

2- a little voice inside you telling you to play now work later

2- battle hymns



three things i’d like to learn:

1- japanese

2- how to tell a perfect lie

3- to control my fears



three favourite foods:

1- nehari

2- biryani

3- haleem



three tv shows/books i read as a child:

1- all enid blyton

2- Qaida

3- paharey ( tables )

no one can save me

so after all this time my inbox is looking a bit better

so after like getting killed sort off in a marathon meeting, for which i was soo not prepared for and i was to present the darn thingy, what happened was that on tuesday night around 11 i got a text from my manager saying meetig at 2:30 for finalization of phase 2 kick-off
so i replied back that there is a scheduled power outage in office till 2 so please confirm the time of meeting , "meeting is at 2:30" was the reply.
so instead of going to the other office and get it crowded wheneve there is a power outage this long, i decided to wok fom home till 2 and then go to the meeting and all,
so at 2 i get a call from my manager, where are you , i say im in home and will come as soon asthe light is there, and he is like, im in office when you come we can both go to customer, and this is when i get my first mental shock " meeting is at customers office? " (translation : "damn, the meeting is with the customer??? not internal"), "yes"
before that i was thinking of wearing jeans and a tshirt to office case it would be a small day and then i got ot of the bed, huriedto my wardrobe to seach for anythingy formal looking cause i know i had given all the rest stuff in laundry just the day before, got ready and reached the customer office by 2:40,
so the meeting started, and i hurridly put up a few slides, project plan and then the "session" started, with in front of the firing squad presenting a project plan which was not complete, which i had taken few things out just a moment ago as they were internal things and that also messed it up a bit,
repeatidly trying to CMA (cover my anatomy), doge commitments, and juggle responsibilities and tying to get other ppl in the meeting to focus there attention on somethingy else other than me (which was a bit difficult as i was the only one presenting ) , the damed meeting , the KICK-mE session lasted 5 -1/2 hours, i kid you not ,
i didnt had any lunch cause normal lunch time is 2;30 for me or late, but due to meeting had to rush, breakfast i normally dont do, and all that time first i was dying of hunger , and then the hunger died ,
and then i had many action items to take to my team back in office , so around 8:15pm, i reached office and then we had the internal session where i explained what we need to accomplish in coming days and they should kiss their sleep and social lie good bye
then since i was hungry, i called up the person who was to bring in lunch today and asked him

" where be my lunch im hungry"

"i will bring it tomorrow "

so i told him " hurry up , im hungry" , thus i went and had dinner.

save mE

ok i think im exhausted and tired and about to fall off, from all the work that i did NOT do today

damn, like each day, i go in thinking today i will triumph in the face of the odds, like right now the number of unread emails keeps on increasing, like this be the snapshot of my inbox, a few days ago the number of unread emails was just 1500, now they have crossed 17, each day i read and reply more than 80 or so, but they keep on coming and coming , and then my mind goes into power failure mode, and im like screw that , i be no working

in the mornings i have to really drag myself out and away from bed and home cause i dont want to be in office, im meetings im normally contemplating on plans to speak as little as possible so that it gets over soon , conference calls im skipping any and all that are after 8pm pakistan time these days, many ppl are not happy with me, im not picking up any calls which the number is not in my phone book, and then too some that are also in my phone book and still i just let it ring,

So like , while writing this post i have managed to make a dent into the number , now they are only 1719 mails unread. yeaay for mE

Its 7pm already, perhaps tomorrow i would be able to make a bigger dent into this,

i WILL Rise......................

marbles

like when i was little i was playing marbles with some friends , i never knew how to play real marbles, they were just small shiny unbreakable glass balls which i would throw down the stairs and they would bounce down on each step and i would smile in glee and no matter how many times i would need to go down and climb back up to throw them again, i would not get tired

somewhere down the road and growing up a bit , i lost my marbles...

with my marbles gone, the drive to run back up again to try once more also was misplaced, and it never occured to me that missing marlbes is not a good thingy, it might be that i thought my marbles dont count in the long run, or that i never saw anyone with marlbes around me after a certain age, perhaps marbles were just a thing of the past and all things come to end so that was the end of my marbles for then

but as life progressed, entering my adolescent , i saw some kids around a few years bigger than me playing marbles, it wasnt the game i played on the step, or rolling them around and pretending they were hurdles to my dinkys, it was a much fierce game, where winner takes the marbles of the loser, and winner was the one who kicked out the marbles of the other from a certain circle at a certain distance, supposidly there was skill required in throwing your marbles, thus it was a quest to gain the others marbles, so i thought perhaps marbles are not that redundant after all in life, like here we have ppl contesting for marbles, maybe marbles were of some use after all

i tried playing the game, but in the end i lost my marbles again...

for a long time afterwords i never saw a marbles let alone my own marbles, then one day i found my old marbles from a box when i was packing away my old toys, and i took my marbles in my hand and sat down to examine what my marbles made of , there was an interesting design live flowing lava inside the glass ball and i just held it close to my eye to find how come they dont have any hole when they put that little design inside the glass ball, then i carefully put away my marbles after not being able to find any clue as to how they were made

contesting for marbles or thorwing them down and retreviing them again became a thing of the past, a past long forgotten, buried within the dirt of memories, life became compilcated with each turn, attention become diverted in multitude of directions and the simplicity of the marbles was lost, perhaps marbles were important

for now, its raining outside heavily , dark invisible droplets falling out of the sky, somehow if i tilt my head and look between my half closed eyes they resemble marbles, millions of tiny soft marbles falling everywhere, seems i have not really lost all my marbles after all , maybe there are no marbles , just raindrops

sleep

He woke up again sweating in the middle of the night, the alarm clock beside his bed was showing 4am. Shadows played around the room, and for a moment he tired to reach to her, to touch her hand like he always did whenever he wokeup from a nightmare, then it came back to him, there was no warm hand to touch, to take comfort from, there was no sound of soft breathing he was so accustomed to, her fragrance was not there anymore. He can no longer turn to his side and find her face smilling in her deep sleep, there was always a smile on her lips when she slept. He could no longer place his face beside her hair, taking in the smell of her, his fingers could no longer move in those curls. His nightmares were not new, him waking up at odd hours was not new, the only difference now was that once awake, he could no longer go back in his comfort zone by looking at her sleeping by his side.
He would never again see the wind playing through those hair, nor would the waves ever again fill in the small prints her feet made, the air would never again carry the perfume she loved to wear , nor would his eyes ever see her laugh at his jokes.

and then

and then there was silence...........

lost i am

once there was respite from the struggle

a hope i had of peace and calm

illusions, visions, hallucinations

nothing was there in reality

sometimes i wish memories to fade

haunted i remain to a present of the past

a soul pricked while picking my shatered self

a wound i heal no one can tell

at nights alone i cry without sleep

the dream i dreamed i dream no more

leave me and let me be

i am but lost for now it seems

will find my path i just need my time

my future i'll build just wait and see

blabber

and im back to my routine , my normal routine which is anythingy but normal, after 3 weeks im sitting on my desk in my office. not moving around , not working from the other office, not in another city but back in lahore.

and im still tired , there are 1236 unread emails in my inbox, waiting for me to grace them but i like the saying of a guy i worked with last year, he said " If they want me to do somethingy important , they will mail again" , so im kinda working on his principles right now

im gonna work another day.................

pool

Ok so this be the pool and sheesha ,

the fun part being , you can breath while sitting in the water through a sheesha and enjoy quality time inside water while sucessfully deminishing your stamina

I think i would go to khi soon again , or not , lets see

stone deaf

and day before yesterday the temperature was 42 in khi, i was not looking forward to drop in khi plus had no plans for coming to khi when i left lhr on sunday. It was just 2 day trip , give a presentation on tuesday and return the same night or wed morning to lhr plan.
On monday i get call from my team in khi, asking me when i am planning to come ot khi, im like perhaps next week, soon ( like ive been saying past 3 months , soon). So the guy is like come on 11th and you can attend the motoalert mtv concert.
So i say i will think , and on wednesday morning i end up at isb airport to head out to khi.

Funny thingy is, i now know first hand why PIA was banned, like the plane takes off and i go deaf, and when we land i go deaffer. and through out the flight i keep trying to yawn to get my ears to open, im sure i must have been making interesting faces throughout the flight.

So i land and i get a call from the guy who was to pick me up, i pick up, tell him "lemme sms you" and closed the phone, he must have thought i was in some other call or somethingy. Truth be told, if the phone was not on vibrator i would not have been able to tell it was rining, and secondly all i can hear was this wind in my ears when i tilted my hear left and stone deaf when i kept it stright.

So conversing through texts i got picked up, checked in to the hotel, kept guessing what the guy at the reception was asking for , usually the sequence is " Visiting card, sign form, credit card , and thank you" im sure i walked off pretty arrogant snob in the guys view.

So after 3 hours of forced yawning and making strange faces, i was able to comprehend what others were saying when in 5 feet radius around me

The best thingy about Khi office is , like my departments office i.e , in the evening i can sit in the pool, have a cup of coffee beside and have a sheesha. I should come to khi more often i think

So by 9 we went to the otoalert concert, anoushe and faizan were the only ppl apart from the organizer crew at the time, time printed on cinvitation cards was 7, by 10:30 it started , first off an intro video was run of what motoalert is , and then a guy called ali khan sang 3 songs, aparently ive been out of touch with local music it seems, never heard the guy before & never heard of the guy as well. next came Haroon, he should NOT sing anymore, the guy sucked majorly by the time due to extremly high base my ears were opening up a bit.

So after 6 songs, ( i was informed that each person before the main item would do 3 songs only ), and dreadfully elongating our misery he finally left and the band for whom all the evening was planned came on stage. Strings. Strings were named brand ambassador for Motorola for 2007 and 2008 the very evening and then they stormed the show.

One word , AMAZING, Bilal also performed" Sar Kiey" as a dedication to MTV.
All and all we had fun in that performance afterwords food, finger fish was tasty, and then i headed out to marriot,

and now i know there is a huge speed breaker on sea view road which has no indication before hand , thus i should not go beyond 100, not good for the shocks of the car.

by 1 i was back in my hotel and when i was turning off the lights around 1:30 , a real yawn resulted in finaly having my ears work normally,

now i think i should ask my team to retell their issues once more.

status

im tired, very tired

wait

The setting sun beyond the hills had left an amber glow on the clouds. The valley below was already slowly engulfing in dark. He sat by the side of the lake. Quiet as the water, water which was dark without a sun to shine on. He had already started a small fire to keep him warm in the chilly air. This wasnt his first night in this wilderness nor it would be his last he suspected. "Go there, Go alone and wait" that was all that was written on the piece of paper he had in his hand, he would take this paper out of his pokect and reread it countless times a day. Reading it once more, the neatly folded the paper and returned it to his pocket.

"Go there , Go alone and wait", all the communication he had in past few years from them, and all he get is this piece of paper with this one line. There was no mistaking the place, and the instruction to go alone was nothing suprising, but wait for what? and wait how long? why now after all these years?

This place had significance in his life, so far away from civilization, it had taken him 2 days to hike to this lake. This wasnt the first time he had spend time here, and this wasnt his first time he was without a clue as to what to expect. But still not knowing always made him restless. Taking a pack of cigarettes out and counted how many were left, he would soon run out of his supply of cigarettes he brought with him, he decided against smoking one now.

Food was plenty in this area, fish from the lake, and small rabbits in surrounding forest were easy to catch, even fruits were easy to find, and the spring for drinking water was not far from the cave he used at nights. Lifting his bottle to his lips we gulped down the last remaining water in it. He would need to get more water before he starts his dinner. Dinner today consisted of a small rabbit and he still had a can of baked beans to force it down with. After gutting the rabit and putting in on a spot to roast he picked up his bottle, pulled his shotgun over the shoulder and head out towards the spring.

Filling up his bottle it was then that he noticed the silence around him. He has lived a lifetime in woods and if to someone living in a city the forest was quiet to him it was full of noise, insects , owls even bats , a forest was more alive at night that it was in the day time. But now he could hear nothing, not even crickets. Instinctively he crept into the shadows of the trees and tried to look in all directions at once.

There was something moving just beyond the sight deeper in the forest in front of him, he caught flickers now and then, whatever it was , it was fast, as if someone was running blindly in the dark, running without care to where it would lead just to run from whatever was behind it. A few more yards and the object step out in the clearing around the spring, in moonlight he could see that it was a man, torn clothes, messed hair, the guy hadnt shaved in ages, his features were burried behind layers of dust, just hollow eyes stared out of darkness, casting a fearful glance back at the forest the man stepped into the spring , to wade accross.

Right at that time, another shadow of a man hurled itself on the man, and the two fell crashing into the spring. And then began the strangest fight he had ever seen between two men, both went at each other tearing away, snatching, both looked same to him , torn clothes, long hair, unshaved dirty faces, but now there was a glow in each mans eye, a glow that screamed murder at the other person.

Wordlessly they kept fighting , hitting, throwing, kicking, even biting if they got the chance. intensity in each mans movement reminded him of wild animals, he continued watching from his position, waiting for an outcome. Then one man managed to throw the other in the water, it was impossible to tell which was which now, the guy who was running or the one who was pursuing. As soon as the man had thrown his opponent in water he picked up a rock and started smashing it on the head of the other. If there was more light, he even from this distance would have been able to see the color changing in the water as blood mixed into it. The man kept on smashing the rock for a while and then dropped beside the now dead body , exhausted.

Alot of time passed before the man moved again and climbed out of the spring on his side of the stream. It was then that he noticed that it was the same person who came out first in the clearing. The man sat down heavily on the bank and began to examine his wounds, some were bleeding and some were just straches. There were few teeth marks on his hands as well from where the other man had been biting him.

He still stayed in his position and observed the other man. He was still deciding if he should approach the other man when the stranger got up and started dragging himself onwards towards the lake. He started to follow him slowly not letting the other person suspect he was there. The stranger changed his direction towards where the cave lay hidden from unsuspecting eye behind bushes. Reaching the bushes he took out an envelope and held it high above his head before falling down.

Rushing towards the stranger his mind were kindled by a million question, who was the stranger, why was he here in front of this cave, and why , why did he have that envelope with that symbol, that symbol which was so much tangled with his own life, was this the person he was sent to wait for ? should have he helped the person before? but how could he have known ?
When he reached the person, he was too late, the stranger was no breathing anymore, his hand still tighly gripped the envelope , there was no mistaking about it, it was the same as he had got, the same symbol, the same texture.

He forced the envelope out of his death grip, careful as not to tear it. He huridly opened it and turn it upside down. A small piece of paper fell on his lap, picking it up he noticed it was folded neatly, he opened it and in it was written one single line

"Go there, Go alone and wait"

wormholes

so last night i decided to go home early and ended up turning the key in the front door ar 12:40am. By 1am i had changed and i decided to play that game "crackdown" i bought the previous day since i could not play it due to batteries on my controller dying out. So like i play for 20mins and then i get up and reach the bed. Somewhere in between i enter a wormhole and when i get out and sit on the bed its 3:30am, its a mystery i swear

So after a sleepless night which i only spent tossing and turning, i refused to go to office early, reached around 11:45am, and next thingy i know is that its already time for the customer meetign at 2:00 and i havent had any lunch yet.So its 4:30 now , meetings done with and i still am hungry.

Went pretty well, the meeting i mean, the customer was in a very good mood and only bashed us every second line not on every line of the presentation, i for one had a good time. The poor guy who was supstituting for the planning lead (on leave for his suicide from today), so this was his first meeting , and poor kid, he was soo tense throughout, while i was kinda relaxing and enjoying my coffee, which tasted not good though, but i needed somethingy to keep awake.
So turns out we have a follow-up meeting on monday, the fun part was , we didnt even go through the whole presentation and i didnt get to present my project plan at all. So now till monday i can rest.

I think i should aim to go home late today, then perhaps i would be back by 10pm. would suit me just fine. I think