headache

i dont want to think
and im not sleepy
i have enough sleepless night already
i am not sleepy but im tired as hell
my head hurts but i can lay it down to sleep
im enduring it
as long as i can
then eventualy i would give in
when my headache exceeds
i would have no choice but to put myself to peace
i would take the medicine
and would sedate myself
as ive done in the past
as i will do again
and again
and yet my headache is still present
faint and unhurtining
but i can feel it throbing
i have no recollection where my head is , but i feel it killing me
not killing
torturing
but its a welcome state
for even then i cant find peace in sleep as my head hurts
with every sound of the seconds the wall clock makes
im aware of hours of hurt inside those seconds
and its starting to hurt like that
its just the begining
it will increase
when my head is heavy to hold up straight
and i cant let it hang cause it too hurting
and i cant lay it straaight on the bed or the floor
because it just wont rest
i find a position of rest for a while
i dont know if those are minutes or seconds
but they are good,
they help me fight it
but in the end i always give in
sooner or later
the longest i resisted it was 6 months
6 whole months my head hurted
each day , each night
i sleep for an hour or 2
then i wake up, pick my headup with my hands
and find another position that hurts less
in which there is only throbbing
i like that throbbing
it feels like im healing inside
i somehow like to think that those little pulses i get in my wounds and when my head hurts
is when my body is healing
so i like that throbbing
if i concentrate on those , it actualy does start to get better
with each pulse , i get more in peace
be it a wound or a headache

a letter

this is a letter i read and found full of emotions , i wanted to share this here. I have edited it so that the privacy of the writer remains intact and have asked her permission before i post this here, so here it is .....




It’s not been long, since I first thought about you in a manner that even surprised me too. Yes, I loved a guy I knew nothing about. I loved him, I still don’t know why. He called me one of his soulmates, when I knew that I wasn’t probably. Coz for me he was the only one…soulmate? Don’t know…the word seemed small to me. No, not a soulmate but my soul itself. He may have many, but I knew I had just one.

I dived into the unknown waters of what is called love, not knowing how deepor how wide it would be. I went further and further, realizing very soon that Iwas actually going through an emotional progression and sentimentalescalation…big words
In simple words I was evolving as a person.

I felt loved even before I was told that I had him to love me. And that is justbecause I loved that person soo much that I understood that it was enough tokeep me going for the rest of my life. I ‘had’ never rather I ‘have’ neverfelt this way before. I just don’t only feel complete and fulfilled but sooONE with the person I love. I breath him, I sense him, I hear him, and I mhopelessly in love with him.
Each fight we go through and each crisis we face together; makes me feel somuch more secure and so much more absolute, that I don’t feel the need tolook at any other path but his. He leads my way and I walk with him…till mylast day or till the day he wants me to (which ever happens first)…and willb the happiest holding his hand and ensure myself over and over again, atbeing led by the person I trust blindly.
For me, he runs my life and I have no second thoughts about it.Strange, how I handed over everything into his hands, without even thinkingonce. Perhaps, love gave me all the assurance I needed to have to take astep like that.
For me, now, its not just love; it’s a bond…that gives me ‘a status’ in youreyes, ‘a name’ and ‘a right’. It’s just not me anymore. I m changed. Because I m more of you now, than I m myself.
And I feel as if I’m falling in love with you all over again each day…

It’s MY feeling only…

I know I am crazy…
But I do know this too…that for me…nothing will ever change…My actions have no reason…yes…but they give peace - to my love - for you...and that’s enough to satisfy me…

The day you told me, you love me…I felt the whole world coming together just totell me tat I have everything in this world now…
Days passed and each day I felt closer to you...

YOU knew more of me and I discovered a new you each day…
The one who was pointless at times, stubborn always, silly, crazy, cute and what not…
I loved him more and more…
And I know that - this love will only grow with time…
before this gets too emotional , I’ll end it…
because I want to keep this short

You
YOU are my life…I can never ever think of parting with you...
No matter how unreasonable you get…I’ll still love you just the same way…
Relationships and people both change with time and so will we…rather wehave already changed so much…as individuals and as a couple…since the timewe first got together…

But I just hope that this love remains forever…

We might not b there together probably and part our ways in the future simplybecause you have your duties to fulfill and I have a home to look after…But I know one thing for sure…that even if probably tomorrow you get married and we never talk again…I’ll still love you...just as much as I do today or probablyeven more…

YOU are there in every thought but you are just not there anywhere when I look around
All I find are the empty walls and an even empty air that surrounds meI miss you sooo much

I take this opportunity to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I

love you...

I love you soooo much…

chika rika chi chai cho

there was this poem that a cousin of mine taught me when i was very little, it was supposed to be a chinese-english hybrid poem which he learned from a chinese kid in his school in KSA, though i have no way of knowing if indeed its chinese or not.

this poem has been running around my head for past few days now, ever since we got to know that a chinese lady might be hired by us here in pakistan to work on my project. mayhaps i would ask her if i get the chance as to what it means and if indeed its chinses origin or not.

pretty interesting memories come with this poem though, the time i think i was in class 2 or 3 when my cousin taught mE that, carefree and imensly destructive and naughty kids, chaotic for others. ah well those were the good old days, i wonder where that kid got lost along the way and i ended up being mE ..

that friendship with my cousin also seemed to have vanished, the special bond we two shared, ah well i guess we all grow, i sometimes do say hello hi to that cousin of mine after few months on msn even though we both are online almost everyday, hard to imagine two ppl who were so close as children to be so far away , not just in distances but also mentally.

not complaining , thats what life is, we make friends , we have good time, we get bored of them and then we make new friends , and then we discard the old ones, not like discard, but move away, each of us does that, even though if we are the ones who dont let ppl go easily and try to hold on to loved ones in our lives as long as we can, in the end we do move away. Its a mutual act,

but its good to remember those days and those acts, im sure many of ppl in my childhood wont like to remember that kid that i was who used to break their toys open just to see how they work, or who loved the sound of crystal being broken (such a lovely music),

i bet none of you know that you can drop a crystal glass from 5 feet at a certain angle that the glass bounces back 4 feet back up with ample time for you to catch it and if you manage to catch it there is not even a single crack on the glass.... it never bounces when it hits the floor again if you fail to catch it though (thats when you hear the lovely sound of crystal breaking ),

beware though, mothers dont find this scientific research worth their while

so let mE end this here and now before i tell you more of the hard earned secret knowledge i gathered through experiments and bruises.... ppl need to discover these delightful mysteries on their own

so in the end, let mE put down the poem i was talking about, the title of the poem is

Chika Rika Chi Chai Cho

There was once a china man
whose name was Chika Rika Chi Chai Cho
Chika Rika Chi Chai Cho was
pando mando maffa tikka to
Oko Toko Manipai Ichipai
Chika Rika Chi Chai Cho

fairy tales do but lie

in lonely nights i do but cry
a dream, a thought within me die
a life she deserves i cannot give
my fate it bounds oh Lord forgive
i blame the fate yet do i naught
in guilt and shame with love i fought
a princess i got, caring and loving
for all the while time stands revolving
one day i know i would be refused
a war never fought but i shall lose
will hear no bells ringing on weddings
for there are no happy endings
fairy tales do but lie

untitled

At times i wonder what went wrong
days got shorter nights went long

At times i feel i dont belong
the world a stranger, am i that strong

A life which was worthy of a song
broken, shatered, misery prolong

A life which ranged laughters gong
suffering, pain all draged along

beyond redemption

thought i did that saved i would be
my prayers answered, and i be free
how foolish was i that i could not see
the sins were unforgiven performed by me
redemption, is not for me

cursed for life a trial i stand
shallow interior, posing grand
my youth misspent, enimity i fanned
i wont get forgiveness from His Hand
redemption, is not for me

spreading lies, performing sin
i lived a life hollow within
to hatred and laothing i givein
nothing but cruelty, a web i spin
redemption, is not for me

ashes to ashes, dust to dust
slaughter the weak, let them rust
power and wealth, all i lust
all this and more, makes the crust
redemption, is not for me

repent all i want but cant undo the past
the deeds i did are going to last
shadow of my evil is all i cast
my burdens are huge, my punishment vast
redemption, is not for me

faith i had is left but little
afterlife i dread, looms a riddle
days remaining would be but brittle
redemption, is not for me

the last eid

Its sunday and today my Eid holidays end. With it comes an end to the last Eid in this house.

The home which was always there ever since i can remember, the home in which there are so many memories , so many events, so many deaths, so many weddings is no longer going to be here comes this may.

This home belongs or belonged to my grandfather on my fathers side. Where ever we were posted, this home was always there to come on eid's, this was always the permenent home adress. My passport, my NIC, my drivers license, all my bank information, each and every legal document i have, has this address as my permenat address.

Its an extremly old building, more than 150 years old now, waznt always is my familys pocession, but its been in ours long enough to see 4 generations here, i being the 3rd.
High roof, 15ft at some rooms to 20ft at the others, wide walls 6ft. old wooded doors and ceilings even a wooden floor in the drawing room, huge rooms wide lawn, garden, veranda, trees and greenry, the whole are no longer ours, we are now just but living in a land which is now owned by someone else.

its not time yet to say good bye to this house yet... but it was the last eid we will ever see in this house nonetheless, no the last we see in this HOME ....it is home and will always remain home even when its gone

random

Dont
-------------------

Dont leave mE
for i am scared
i felt so lonely
no one cared

Dont kill mE
eyes stared
looms darkness
doom prepared

Dont free mE
secrects unshared
words unspoken
death ensnared


Dont leave me

fragile life

An hour before 2005 is gone and 2006 comes in i recieve a call

The calling person is crying on the other end.. "Azhar bhai, they died, they both are dead....... "

A team of mine returning from late night activity along with the customers persons. My team was somewhere 25 mins behind the other car, they reached the main highway near Sahiwal and saw that there is Highway police present and seems like there has been an accident, they decided to look if there is anything they can do to help. Turns out its the other car in their small convoy of two. The driver and technician both died on spot.

For a lousy target which the customer wanted to achive in the parting year two of their persons now will never see another day , let alone the new year.

Just shows us that how fragile this whole thing is and how much overrated this life is...

Right now its 2 mins to new year, ppl are preparing to celebrate, i dont know even if the familes of those 2 know what has befallen them both, i only informed their manager, maybe their families are also preparing to celebrate and are trying to call them on their cells , to know when they will be home so they can celebrate the new year together

And here comes new year... wonder why aint i thrilled

fate or destiny ?

Has all of our future been written already before we are born or do we make our own destiny? Or is it fate that governs our life ?
Many ppl consider fate and destiny to be one and the same, they talk as if their fate is their destiny. its pretty interesting to see the difference in the two though
One can callhis Destiny his aim or goal that he has come in life to achive. Its the need to do something so it will lead us to our goal, many believe our destiny is the aims we make before coming to life. Where upon coming to life we dont really remember that aim but our actions and events all take us towards that destination which we call destiny.
if we went on about fulfilling our destiny fate would not exist. Its believed in astrology that each person has its guiding star, that star is there to keep us on the right track when we lose sight of our unkown yet known aim , The Destiny. And this guardian force is called fate. Since the destiny is hidden and we dont remember the aims we strived for before starting our journey of life, we tend to lose sight of it and we sooner or later stray from the path.
Here , at these times fate intervenes, to knock us right back to our path. Some call it the friendly nudge in the right direction. But those of us who have gotton that particular nudge would feel its not that friendly at all, its sometimes cruel and merciless, its sometimes harsh and bitter, it sometimes breaks our hearts and yet in another situation it sometimes unkind.
But its all for the greater good they say. and what is that greater good if we talk in terms of the two above? its destiny , our goal in life we want to achive.
And to above all that i have but this to say.....NO DARNED WAY
If i accept the above i am negating my choice of free will. They say finding ones destiny is ones own reponsibility, and fate is but an agent of our destiny. I say why not forge a destiny i want, I am given the choice of free will not because i would accept whats done to me as is ,
I will choose my own paths and make my own decision. Let the fate come with full wrath to bend my will.

I was given Free will. I WILL MAKE my OWN Choices