stone

standing in the window looking down below on the city, a city of stone, empty and hard , unyeilding and ressilient. He has been walking down its street ever since he can remember, some times there would be storms and rain would splash all around , droplets hitting stone all around, so within this city, there is nothing made of anything but stone. sometimes he thinks that if there were other people living in this city, they would be made of stone as well, with stone hearts not flesh and blood. Sometimes he would go walk out of the stone into the clifs that looked out and below into the vast sea, he had never touched the sea, just seen how vast it was, he had seen the bird which lived on the sea, flying in distant sky that cicles the sea and lived on the air current, sometimes they circled the cliff he stood on, white a contrast to the grey sky.

In his city of stone, the sky was forever grey, always the sun shone from behind a layer of clouds. It rained in his city of stone, seldom stopping, only as if to catch its breath, now fast then slow.

Mist ruled in this city of stone , obscuring vision to anything beyond a few feet, like a veil. Limiting sight to now and here, he never did worry about what lay beyond, he never did wonder what might come.

There was no warmth in his city of stone, only cold stone,

This city of stone , he called his heart

cycle

another night, another restless sleep. the continuous sound of clock ticking seconds away is the only sound apart from the sound of breathing till day break, slowly very slowly the darkness fades and light creeps in through the curtains on the windows. mind aware of the gradual change in temprature, coolness of night passing over to warmth of the day.

another day, another directionless path, walking in crowds of strangers bearing familiar faces, performing pointless tasks. watching events unfolding in slow motion all around, watching as if done by someone else, in another's life , in another time. dusk arrives and goes unnoticed, light outside the window is replaced with darkness.

tonight is another night, tomorrow is another day

-

on 31st May 2007 another shade on us all left us, another one who used to give unconditional love and prayers to us all , Phuppi Amma we will miss you

a day before saturday

firdays, i hate fridays, specially those after which i plan to go for the weekend, the day doesnt seem to end , and the tasks keep pilling up and up.

but i cant really hate fridays , cause after that comes saturday and sunday, i like those 2 days, atleast i get to stay in bed till late, if i go home to my parents , then i get to sleep till 1 or 2 pm and no one comes to wake me up,

i just dont want to do anything when i get there, like dont want to go to market or meet someone, just stay at home and waste time, read a book or sit on the computer and play a game , or whatever, as long as im not dragged to go to shopping im ok,

and here i am awaiting a weekend all week long and some ppl in the world are cursing them and waiting for a working week to begin,

work front is going horribly bad these days, there is nothingy that isnt going out of hand, like murpheys law, right now ive left worrying on that front, but the good part is ive sort of caught up on my emails, now the only ones left are either status reports on different projects around the world which i dont have time to read or the others are those that if someone wants my reponse on anythingy they will either send email again or call me if its really urgent. Hopefuly from monday my teams will be once again complete and back from their vacations, weddings and/or trainings and then i would again start delegating my work, ah delegation, such a sweet sweet sweet managment tool.

like i was telling hemlock a few days back, when i started this project , in the begining i was pretty scared , like the others on this project were old vetrans in the field, my manager who came in from US had the experience equal to my age. The customer considered me a kid when i went into meetings and didnt take me much seriously , so i decided to take things head on, i built a team and i hired ppl .........................................so that i can blame someone for my mistakes,

pretty inspiring story aint it,

in another news, this brainfall quiz has dubbed me Sylar, i think i should stark poping heads up and see what makes them tick. so far i havent found anyone worthy of taking his/her powers sadly , Myyearbook quiz , has dubbed me a hands on flirt, toba toba , damn im bored i would say

yabber

So far , too bad. An extremly worse start of a day where nothingy seems to be going fine work wise. Total chaos so far. I need a break , a long one, not just a weekend , that wont be enough to sustain me for long.

im lost these days, i dont know what im doing , work is just a distraction which keeps me occupied from totaly screwing up my brain. i have no idea what im aiming for right now, i started preparing for giving my PMP next month, have not been studying lately, i guess i would have to postpone the exam now, i wont be ready in 7 days in anycase.

the customer front if killing me as well, im in a meeting every day now for hours, yesterday after attending another 3 hours one, i came to office worked a little and called it a day and went home at 5 and slept , woke up at 8 to find 8 texts and 20 missed calls, and then i slept again rather forced myself to sleep at 12, closed the eyes and tried to atleast.

and im once again having dreams these nights, its been long since i have stopped remembering my dreams, as in what was in the dream but i remember what the dream made me feel. past few nights its all confusion, like the dreams dont make sense, i have had some which left me scared or happy or sad, but confused is new. something just dont make sense. Half the time i wake up disoriented as to where i am and all that and it takes me time to really come to terms with surroundings. Its pretty discomforting a feeling to have, specially right after waking up.

The waking up usually happen at odd times throughout the night, and then after a while i drift again in another tired sleep, only to wake up again a while later. Last night i woke up 5 times in a period of 10 mins , each time it felt as if i was asleep for hours, only when i saw the clock on the wall was when it was revealed that its just few mins from the last time i sat up.

its almost 3 now, ive been writing this post over the past 4 hours, in the middle or work now and then, have another meeting in an hours time. i dont think i have anything else to write more about at the moment , so i will close this post at this time, let me check where be my lunch

tag - 3 things

A tag from fairydust....

three things that scare me:

1- large water bodies (mostly lakes)

2- Confounded spaces

3- first encounters with beings or events not explainable by logic ( yes i have had a few)



three people who make me laugh:

1- him

2- her

3- it



three things i love:

1- Night Rain

2- mE

3- Sleeping



three things i hate:

1- not finishing your thought when you start saying it

2- waking up early morning

3- not having my privacy over long periods of time



three things i don’t understand:

1- A theory of spatial structure in ecological communities

2- myself

3- mind games



three things on my desk:

1- mouse

2- laptop

3- papers



three things i am doing right now:

1- making a presentation

2- thinking why cant it be just 1 thingy tag, 3 are hard

3- wondering what to write here



three things i want to do before i die:

i give you ten



three things i can do:

1- smile with a intense hate in my eyes

2- laugh when things go wrong

3- wait



three things you should listen to:

1- rain

2- a little voice inside you telling you to play now work later

2- battle hymns



three things i’d like to learn:

1- japanese

2- how to tell a perfect lie

3- to control my fears



three favourite foods:

1- nehari

2- biryani

3- haleem



three tv shows/books i read as a child:

1- all enid blyton

2- Qaida

3- paharey ( tables )

no one can save me

so after all this time my inbox is looking a bit better

so after like getting killed sort off in a marathon meeting, for which i was soo not prepared for and i was to present the darn thingy, what happened was that on tuesday night around 11 i got a text from my manager saying meetig at 2:30 for finalization of phase 2 kick-off
so i replied back that there is a scheduled power outage in office till 2 so please confirm the time of meeting , "meeting is at 2:30" was the reply.
so instead of going to the other office and get it crowded wheneve there is a power outage this long, i decided to wok fom home till 2 and then go to the meeting and all,
so at 2 i get a call from my manager, where are you , i say im in home and will come as soon asthe light is there, and he is like, im in office when you come we can both go to customer, and this is when i get my first mental shock " meeting is at customers office? " (translation : "damn, the meeting is with the customer??? not internal"), "yes"
before that i was thinking of wearing jeans and a tshirt to office case it would be a small day and then i got ot of the bed, huriedto my wardrobe to seach for anythingy formal looking cause i know i had given all the rest stuff in laundry just the day before, got ready and reached the customer office by 2:40,
so the meeting started, and i hurridly put up a few slides, project plan and then the "session" started, with in front of the firing squad presenting a project plan which was not complete, which i had taken few things out just a moment ago as they were internal things and that also messed it up a bit,
repeatidly trying to CMA (cover my anatomy), doge commitments, and juggle responsibilities and tying to get other ppl in the meeting to focus there attention on somethingy else other than me (which was a bit difficult as i was the only one presenting ) , the damed meeting , the KICK-mE session lasted 5 -1/2 hours, i kid you not ,
i didnt had any lunch cause normal lunch time is 2;30 for me or late, but due to meeting had to rush, breakfast i normally dont do, and all that time first i was dying of hunger , and then the hunger died ,
and then i had many action items to take to my team back in office , so around 8:15pm, i reached office and then we had the internal session where i explained what we need to accomplish in coming days and they should kiss their sleep and social lie good bye
then since i was hungry, i called up the person who was to bring in lunch today and asked him

" where be my lunch im hungry"

"i will bring it tomorrow "

so i told him " hurry up , im hungry" , thus i went and had dinner.

save mE

ok i think im exhausted and tired and about to fall off, from all the work that i did NOT do today

damn, like each day, i go in thinking today i will triumph in the face of the odds, like right now the number of unread emails keeps on increasing, like this be the snapshot of my inbox, a few days ago the number of unread emails was just 1500, now they have crossed 17, each day i read and reply more than 80 or so, but they keep on coming and coming , and then my mind goes into power failure mode, and im like screw that , i be no working

in the mornings i have to really drag myself out and away from bed and home cause i dont want to be in office, im meetings im normally contemplating on plans to speak as little as possible so that it gets over soon , conference calls im skipping any and all that are after 8pm pakistan time these days, many ppl are not happy with me, im not picking up any calls which the number is not in my phone book, and then too some that are also in my phone book and still i just let it ring,

So like , while writing this post i have managed to make a dent into the number , now they are only 1719 mails unread. yeaay for mE

Its 7pm already, perhaps tomorrow i would be able to make a bigger dent into this,

i WILL Rise......................

marbles

like when i was little i was playing marbles with some friends , i never knew how to play real marbles, they were just small shiny unbreakable glass balls which i would throw down the stairs and they would bounce down on each step and i would smile in glee and no matter how many times i would need to go down and climb back up to throw them again, i would not get tired

somewhere down the road and growing up a bit , i lost my marbles...

with my marbles gone, the drive to run back up again to try once more also was misplaced, and it never occured to me that missing marlbes is not a good thingy, it might be that i thought my marbles dont count in the long run, or that i never saw anyone with marlbes around me after a certain age, perhaps marbles were just a thing of the past and all things come to end so that was the end of my marbles for then

but as life progressed, entering my adolescent , i saw some kids around a few years bigger than me playing marbles, it wasnt the game i played on the step, or rolling them around and pretending they were hurdles to my dinkys, it was a much fierce game, where winner takes the marbles of the loser, and winner was the one who kicked out the marbles of the other from a certain circle at a certain distance, supposidly there was skill required in throwing your marbles, thus it was a quest to gain the others marbles, so i thought perhaps marbles are not that redundant after all in life, like here we have ppl contesting for marbles, maybe marbles were of some use after all

i tried playing the game, but in the end i lost my marbles again...

for a long time afterwords i never saw a marbles let alone my own marbles, then one day i found my old marbles from a box when i was packing away my old toys, and i took my marbles in my hand and sat down to examine what my marbles made of , there was an interesting design live flowing lava inside the glass ball and i just held it close to my eye to find how come they dont have any hole when they put that little design inside the glass ball, then i carefully put away my marbles after not being able to find any clue as to how they were made

contesting for marbles or thorwing them down and retreviing them again became a thing of the past, a past long forgotten, buried within the dirt of memories, life became compilcated with each turn, attention become diverted in multitude of directions and the simplicity of the marbles was lost, perhaps marbles were important

for now, its raining outside heavily , dark invisible droplets falling out of the sky, somehow if i tilt my head and look between my half closed eyes they resemble marbles, millions of tiny soft marbles falling everywhere, seems i have not really lost all my marbles after all , maybe there are no marbles , just raindrops

sleep

He woke up again sweating in the middle of the night, the alarm clock beside his bed was showing 4am. Shadows played around the room, and for a moment he tired to reach to her, to touch her hand like he always did whenever he wokeup from a nightmare, then it came back to him, there was no warm hand to touch, to take comfort from, there was no sound of soft breathing he was so accustomed to, her fragrance was not there anymore. He can no longer turn to his side and find her face smilling in her deep sleep, there was always a smile on her lips when she slept. He could no longer place his face beside her hair, taking in the smell of her, his fingers could no longer move in those curls. His nightmares were not new, him waking up at odd hours was not new, the only difference now was that once awake, he could no longer go back in his comfort zone by looking at her sleeping by his side.
He would never again see the wind playing through those hair, nor would the waves ever again fill in the small prints her feet made, the air would never again carry the perfume she loved to wear , nor would his eyes ever see her laugh at his jokes.