chapter one

Pat was a unique kid, unique as everyone is unique in the world. Thus Pat was like any other kid in the neighborhood. When Pat was little he asked his father if he could get a pet dog.

"Getting a Dog is a huge responsibility Son" said his father

"Whats responsibility? " asked Pat.

"Well" said Pat , "Responsibility means taking care of the dog, Who will feed it ? "

"Isn't God suppose to provide food to all his living creatures? " asked Pat.

Pat got a dog the very next day.

He named the dog "Canine Assault Terrier", 'CAT' for short.

CAT was a good dog. Starvation killed CAT after a few days. Pat cried the day CAT died.

Seeing how upset Pat was, his father brought him a hamster in a small golden cage. There was a small wheel around which the hamster used to go round and round. and used to run up and down on the two story cage.

Pat named the hamster "Diagonal Orthogonal Gamer", 'DOG' for short.

Alas DOG also died by the hands (or teeth) of starvation

This was too much for Pat to take, he went over to his neighbors house and demanded salvation from Starvation. Pat's father called up animal control to report the incident and soon Starvation was laid to rest once it was confirmed that Starvation had indeed gone rabid.

Pat saw Lassie the next day at the animal cemetery. She was standing in front of Starvation's grave.

The tomb stone read "Here lies Starvation, May he not be hungry in the afterlife"

And it was then Pat decided to walk up to Lassie and talk to her.

"Hi" , he mumbled

"Hello", replied Lassie without taking her eyes off the grave.

"I'm Pat"

"Lassie".

"so ..em, he was your dog? " he asked

" No", she replied turning around and looking at Pat for first time, "Starvation was my wolf". she smiled

And Pat had never seen a smile so beautiful with eyes sparking from mischief.

Little did he know that it was this meeting with Lassie that would lead him to the path to a certain dragon. But the path comes later for now Pat was just lost within that amazing smile.

scream

do you sometimes hear a scream and realize its you?

can you take me higher

I'm still having troubles sleeping at night, and even bigger trouble waking up in the morning. I dont sleep good at nights and i cant sleep in day, so basically im screwed.


Im nocturnal, there was a time when i would have been awake all night and sleep only in the day, but that time was in my holidays after my fsc, and then there was a time when i would sleep just 28 hours in a day if given a chance, but that time is also long gone, that was the 4 years of my graduate studies. Then there was a time when i stayed awake 7 days in a row, again that time is also bygone it was the last week of my final year project submission. i still remember those coffee mugs, which started from 4 a day and ended at 15, but that is a story for another time.


And then there was another phase, where i slept for just 2 or 3 hours a day for months and months. This phase is not just a one time occurrence, i have been subjected to those time and again. And then there was a routine when my mind would feel sleepy when it sees 3am on the clock ticking away on the wall. Before 3am it would not be possible to atleast feel a tiny bit of sleep. But i would sleep peacefully afterwords.

and then there was a time when i was working in field where there would be long days which would stretch to 36 to 48 hours , where your travelling from site to site working meeting deadlines. But after your part of the work was done you would sleep. Sometimes in the car, or sometimes taking packing of equipment and sleeping on the floor. Sometimes we would sleep on site waiting for equipment , or connectivity or something similar before we can start the work. Never did we let pass any opportunity to sleep

and later on, there came a time when i no longer went to the field but instead sent others, in mornings you would make plans face customer and send guys to the field and do the job, and then at night you will be awake once more as the guys would be calling you up and informing the progress or problems, seeking advice on issues. And once a particular persons job was done , he would sleep, but not i, as there is always someone in the field keeping you awake.

Yet the one i mentioned on top above, not sleeping good isnt new, but not related to long gone past. I have been sleeping bad for the past 1 year now or perhaps more. I sleep when im exhausted utterly and then i wake up for work in the morning. yet this sleep is not sleep, there is no blissful blackout of the mind, there is no rest , my body still aches when i wake up, my eyes still burn. There is no time when my senses are lost, im aware when dark turns to light outside, when a car passes outside on the street, when ppl move around in the house downstairs. im asleep yet i am not.


i am tired. i want to sleep , where my mind dont know what is happening outside, when my body dont feel like its been dragged through the city.

Perhaps i should try taking up getting high or somethingy.....

man down man down

so like, after every battle there are few casualties , even during a battle some are lost and some simply cannot continue on the front lines and are sent back to the sick beds.

so had one the worst yet enjoyable weekend. had like 101 ~102 fever, upset stomach and a rising pain in the throat to boot. skipped office on Friday, traveled home on the same night as on Saturday there was an engagement ceremony at my home of my cousin. Saturday morning was spent in preparations and finishing HP7 ( sucked big time i think ) , and by the time the function was rolling and being broad casted to the cousins abroad live i was completely spent , and then the shouting and taunting and all and soon i found myself lying on the carpet in the lounge and holding my back which decided to ache on the extreme.
when i woke up the next morning sneezing had joined the race and yet i could feel the throat about to join the party.

Sunday night traveling back, reaching Lahore Monday morning and by the time i was in office joining directly in a customer meeting i was coughing like anything. and then the meeting decided it would go for 3 hours. and after finally saying goodbye at 2 found out that the next one will start at 4 at our office, didnt knew it would stretch till 8:30, neglected the cough and now have a choked throat.

and then we decided to go watch "Khuda Key liey" at the new DHA cinema , must say im impressed with the cinema , good effort on our part . the only drawback, Just one screen and yea the second drawback (or it should be drawback NO 1, priority 0, high level red alert), NO Nachos with cheese and salsa topped with jalapenos , sad sad sad


the movie itself borders close to a telly film rather than a silver screen item. Yet i believe its been done cleverly, its full of small messages thrown in here and there for you to find out and simultaneously nothing is said outright so as not to get banned.

the funny part is , iman ali says " shove it up your arse" and the thingy was not censored cause the board thinks that there is a difference between an arse and a , err what again ??

but over all there are plenty of small hints and taunts , but no outright bigger picture message, everything is left to the audiences own perception, like you choose which you want to follow or how you Interpret your own Islam, not shown good vs bad. yet pointed out misconceptions and confusion.

Shoaib Mansoors comment " the movie is for all those misguided Muslims like Junaid Jamshed "

dont know what JJ said to that.

Like in one scene , CIA guy opens up a "taveez" and found Arabic verses written on it, he goes and asks what is the meaning of this
"I can read it but i dont understand what it is"
" so why do you want to read something which you have no desire to understand "

similarly, there is another message which is on the line " What is the use of this Namaz when you do not stand up and help those who are in need or do the right thing"

Like in the beginning of the movie there was alot of laughs on going ppl joking in the cinema, and in the end when the court scene comes of Naseer Uddin Shah, and the main message of the movie is given, that is the time when the whole audience is gripped and paying complete attention, so i would say it was great work done on captivating and relating the main message in the right way.

on the downside, Iman Ali has such bad skin. can someone please pass on the fair an lovely to her, and like how do you kill those zits ? 40 feet of bad skin face , ouch.


so on another front , i just received a crate of mangos from customer relationship manager in warid, lets see how many zits can you get after finishing a whole crate.

stand and fight

Stand and Fight,
Say what you will
Born with a Heart of Steel,
Stand and Fight.

No not reciting the song "Heart of Steel" by Manowar , this is just what i feel im doing past few days at work, like just turn on the "Hail and Kill" mode.

Like ive been fighting with

The Customer: screw the customer is always right.
subcons and vendors: im the customer IM RIGHT.
within my organization, finance , HR, Procurements, Logistics : Bring It ON

Just sent some emails out which im sure would have burned some ppl up at customer to the core and then i have a meeting in an hours time with the very same ppl, ah that would be interesting.

So had the meeting , i need a hair cut these days, ive decided to grow my frenche more wildly past few days, and like the shirt i was wearing today, i kinda broke the front button just below the neck, like there is one right on the collar and then the one below it i broke it off, and when we reached the meeting i had my sleeves rolled up, the topmost button and the one below it open and my hair a bit wild (forgot to gell them down in the morning ) and with a kinda wild frenche, the customer end PM made a comments that looks like your in a mood to fight today and i was like "yea thats what its come down to aint it "

so like, whistling, Warriors of the World

Brothers Everywhere
Raise Your Hands Into The Air
We're Warriors
Warriors Of The World


Like Thunder From The Sky
Sworn To Fight And Die
We're Warriors
Warriors Of The World ..........................

reforming

ok so, damn , im screwed

yea , another of the oh duck, im being killed by work post. then i say screw that lets talk about reforming my country.

there is a need to like cleanse my country, all politicians and molvis need to be placed before the firing squad. let there be martial law by an organization not a person, and mass execution of all the current leaders and all the molvis. and then lets rebuild from there.

i think i like the clouds on the clear blue sky above the green trees which i can see from my window right now. buildings just ruin this view, there is a need to pull down all the towers of cell phone companies and to give the skyline some beauty

i swear , if we had twin towers here in Lahore and some suicide terrorists tried to crash the plane into those twin towers they would have failed miserably, like they would be hanging by RF heads of Moblink or Ufone or Warid or Telenor and even if they somehow managed to evade all those towers they would be caught up in the data towers of broadband companies or even if they evade those as well there are radio towers, "app ka apna FM WAN hAnDarad"

and then the other thingy is that since the molvis of Lal Masjid have declared a jihad on gov and Army , (subhan Allah waisey, Jihad against Muslims), thus its a common understanding that we can grow beards and cut our shalwars from above the ankles take a gas mask and an AK47 and rob a bank, but mind you NO pvt bank is allowed, you can only rob National Bank of Pakistan. and yes if your short on ammunition you can always go and beat up a Ranger and take his Gun.

i like enlightened moderation, saves cloth. our industries can now export more cloth since only little is required to supply the laddies here.

and ways to get high should be legallized like holand , we have more quantity of these drugs running aorund than holand can ever dare to imagine. Our tourist industry might flourish this way, and like the ppl would be more easier to handle , like docile. our youth wont have to hide their habbits from their elders and will be socially accepted.

i need to go back to another conference call and then few more meeting before i take out my gun and go on a shooting randomness.

rain

in a lone remote station
i stood awaiting
the train ran late
sunlight was fading

as day turned to dark
clouds gathered above the path
still became the wind
foretelling a tale of its wrath

a crack of thunder
a blaze of lightening
behold the sound
so loud, so frightening

yet for a moment
died all the sound
down came the rain
hitting hard on the ground

fragrance of the wet soil
filled the air all around
like a sweet embrace
comfort in it i found

lost in the smell
a walk i started
drenched i became
once shelter i parted

in wind and rain
the leaves were flapping
on the beat of tiny drums
trees stood singing, dancing and clapping

joyous were the sounds
magical was the sight
calmness filled the air
cast away was fright

to wash away the filth
down poured the shower
beautiful looked everything
like petals of a new flower

sparkling clean were plants
of dirt they were free
even in such darkness
it was plain for all to see

visible now and then vanished
water fell from the sky
words fail me to explain it
a sight , my oh my

pity i felt for others
not a soul was on the road
hiding in their houses
when such gifts were bestowed

lost within a world of enchantment
for hours i strolled
through all of the wonders
forgotten , time rolled

that night i shall remember
though the time is far apart
wet, dark and cold
with a chill that warmed the heart

martyr

so ive been not blogging lately, have been very busy, and somehow dettached from my surroundings , i mean im participating in things and working and all that but somehow my mind aint there, im drifting somewhere deep in myself.
normaly i dont take tension of work, im known as the most cool minded person in office , no ones sees me aggravated on any work related issue but these past 3 weeks specially ive been very tense, even admitting it to myself is hard. im so mentally screwed and then office politics against me , its finanzial year and and i am suupsoe to get a raise, somehow my work is being demeaned, not being paranoid , and like to top it off things have been going horribly bad as well, things on which i dont have any control, and somethings i didnt pay much attention in the past have now come back to haunt me cause the person who i thought would do it didnt do it , but since its my responsibility, thus im the one who is screwed.
the last annual leave i took was in 2004, whole of 2005 and 2006 i did not get time to take off, being a project manager for the first time and trying to prove a point to others in company who raised their eyebrows when i was appointed, perhaps i was the youngest in this organization to get to be a project manager of such a high visibility project, a project that was the first in the world of its kind,
anyway, so holidays, on top of my own work i am to handle additional load as the guy who was doing the program managers tasts is on leave, sine the program manager has no clue what so ever how to run things, that part too i have to take care of for the next 3 weeks more. And thus for another 3 weeks i cannot take a leave or wont get one
and when i started this post i thought i would just write a few lines and then close it off and get some sleep, or try atleast, cause apparently that is another thingy that i am not getting much lately, each night i literally say this " wtf its 3am again " . guess i would say that in like 20 mins time from now .
taday was a good day, after such a long time i have been mentally relased for some reason, i dont know the reason cause there is nothingy wrong between yesterday and today, or any previous day in the last 3 weeks, same work load, same issues, same no help from someone who can help but wont for some reason, all is the same yet i am relaxed today
i will cutt of this post here, otherwise it would go on and on and on ...
im soon gonna be wasted in the line of duty

blah blah

blah blah blah , blha dah blahbe de dah.

so like thats what i hear right now and feel like saying when someone ask me somethingy. like i feel like just throwing a fit and scream and pull my hair and bite someone.
this brings me back to my first semester, like there was a mid term of calculus and i kinda flunked in it , not to mention all of the others did as well, but like they already knew they were screwed when they gave the paper, and i came out smilling and saying yea it was good , so turns out i didnt answer the questions , theorems word by word as the teacher wrote to us , but i kinda used my own words to describe the logic required and i scored even lower than those who were sad after the paper lamenting than they screwed up. so like anyway, here i am in the class holding my paper in my hand with a big 0 where i was expecting somethingy like 19 out of 20, and im wondering wtf (what the for did i study ), so then im still sitting in the class after everyones gone out and after a few mins there are these 2 girls sitting there and like talking to each other with their heads glued together and like i waited for a few more mins for them to break up and go out , after few mins i find myself again sitting there in the back of the room those girls i think were on 2nd or 4rd row from the front , and i like ask them, " like when are you planning to leave " and they ask me "err , why" , i " well i wanna scream on top of my lungs" , they "oh" , "we dont mind go ahead" , "are you sure" , they "ah yea", me "ok here goes" and then i screamed , as loud as i could as long as i could , just letting it all out , im sure they were holding their hands on their ears by the time i was done and giggling like some some dumb blonds when i walked out.

so this brings me back to now and now, i feel like doing the same thingy, but instead i find myself sitting in a meeting where i cant even hysterically pulll my hair and jump around the room like a kangroo and drop kick someone

so its nearing 10 pm now my mind has refused to respond to blah de blah blah blah blah blah, blah dah dum, laba h blaha baga bo ga

stone

standing in the window looking down below on the city, a city of stone, empty and hard , unyeilding and ressilient. He has been walking down its street ever since he can remember, some times there would be storms and rain would splash all around , droplets hitting stone all around, so within this city, there is nothing made of anything but stone. sometimes he thinks that if there were other people living in this city, they would be made of stone as well, with stone hearts not flesh and blood. Sometimes he would go walk out of the stone into the clifs that looked out and below into the vast sea, he had never touched the sea, just seen how vast it was, he had seen the bird which lived on the sea, flying in distant sky that cicles the sea and lived on the air current, sometimes they circled the cliff he stood on, white a contrast to the grey sky.

In his city of stone, the sky was forever grey, always the sun shone from behind a layer of clouds. It rained in his city of stone, seldom stopping, only as if to catch its breath, now fast then slow.

Mist ruled in this city of stone , obscuring vision to anything beyond a few feet, like a veil. Limiting sight to now and here, he never did worry about what lay beyond, he never did wonder what might come.

There was no warmth in his city of stone, only cold stone,

This city of stone , he called his heart